Adoption - Choosing to Disclose.

Following on from my first post I want to write a little more about my experience of adoption. What I've observed over the years is that somehow there appears to be a huge taboo around the subject and very few women will openly discuss their experiences. I've noticed that  having chosen to terminate a pregnancy seems to be an easier thing to confess, possibly because abortion is considered by many to be our right. It's a difficult decision that's often supported as being sensible or realistic. I'm not suggesting for one moment that pregnancy termination isn't also potentially traumatic - there will be future posts about this -  but I feel that to be open about having chosen adoption - a rarer decision - can make people, especially other women very uncomfortable.

Many times over the years, I've found that in choosing to share my experience with another, I end up feeling a sense of responsibility for their feelings as the recipients of my disclosure. I notice the surprise and the intake of breath, the slight shock and sometimes eyes welling with tears. I find myself telling people that's it's okay, I've long ago come to terms with the decision I made, and then go on to talk about reconciliation with my son because I know we all have a deep need for stories to have happy endings. We want to know that there is some kind of Universal justice in the world that will always make sense of what hurts or seems nonsensical.

I wasn't a practical, selfless and  saintlike person who made a carefully analysed decision after having weighed up all the pros and cons. I made a choice that was no choice - one born out of desperation and the realization that at the age of twenty I had completely underestimated my abilities and readiness for the task of single motherhood. I had refused to even consider the subject of adoption during my pregnancy because I wrongly believed it to be a heartless option. I believe now, that in most circumstances, carefully planned and prepared for adoption can be a far gentler experience for both birth mother and baby than for both to experience the trauma of being forcibly wrenched apart by impossible life circumstances.

I choose to share my experience openly because now as an older and kinder person, I have ceased to judge myself. I've come to believe that when we are able to embrace even our toughest life challenges with compassion, we invite others to do the same, and perhaps go some way towards lifting the discomfort and prejudice surrounding the discussion of subjects as sensitive as adoption.

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