Solving New Baby Sleep Problems

As my eldest has now become a father and I'm delighting in my new status as proud grandmother, I find myself remembering back to all those nights of sleep deprivation that come to virtually every parent of a new baby. I'm not sure we can ever fully prepare for the sheer exhaustion of night after night of interrupted sleep, but there are ways of relieving some of the stress of a constantly wakeful baby.

One of the things that new parents frequently experience is the problem of a tiny baby having his days and nights muddled up. Sometimes it's possible to get an idea in advance that your baby is likely to be born as a night waker if you notice that during the late stages of pregnancy, he's one of those little loves who begins bouncing around the moment you lay down for the night. This is very common as it's likely that normal daytime movement and activities by Mum, are acting as a soothing form of rocking that perhaps helps an unborn baby sleep.

So if during those first few days following birth you notice that your little one appears to want to sleep soundly during the day and then wake up and become alert and active in the wee small hours, it's worth trying these tips to nudge him into a more considerate sleep pattern.

Make sure that you create a distinct contrast between night and day in your home: If you can do all of the following you'll probably find a big difference within a week or two.

• During the daytime, don't tiptoe around being quiet if your baby is asleep. Carry on as normal and expose her to your usual amount of daytime sounds such as the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, phone calls, TV, radio and conversation going on in the house.

• Talk to her and play with her lots during daylight hours. Nappy/diaper changing time is a good opportunity for some noisy interaction. 

• Expose her to plenty of natural light in the house, don't pull curtains while she sleeps and try and take her outdoors on sunny mornings, well protected with light cotton clothing and obviously not left in direct sunlight. Use common sense here!

• If he's asleep for more than 4 hours at a stretch during the day, then attempt to gently wake him. This may not work initially, but it's worth trying.

• At night, keep all noise and activity to an absolute minimum. The idea is to disturb him as little as possible while attending to feeding, changing etc.

• Do not turn normal  bedroom lights on while attending to her, instead substitute a night light or exchange your normal bedside light bulb for a coloured bulb which will give out a dimmer light. I always found that a red bulb worked really well and created just enough light to see without any bright glare.

• No matter how cute he is, or what kinds of sweet, engaging sounds he's making, try to resist the temptation to talk to him or play with him. Feed him in silence and keep all movements as calm and gentle as possible. 

• If she's crying and needs soothing, then rock her very gently in a dark room and keep you own vocal sounds very low.

• Don't change his nappy unless it's really necessary. If he's not obviously really wet or dirty, then leave it until the next feed. Unnecessary diaper changes will just stimulate him into activity. You could also consider changing him before, rather than after night feeds. That way if he drifts off to sleep during his feed, you can lay him gently down without disturbing him.

• Some babies will automatically wake up when they're laid back into their crib, because they sense the change in temperature. You can sometimes solve this problem by wrapping a blanket around his back while cuddling or feeding him and the when you think he's asleep, lay him back down in his crib with the blanket still underneath him. Hopefully, he'll stay asleep.

Creating change takes time and perseverance, but if you're consistent in your approach, you will begin to see results.

Boys, Budgies & Bad Behaviour.

I'm having a very frustrating day today, dealing with my pet budgie's recently developed behavioural problems. Historically a good natured, highly talkative and much loved little friend, I'm sorry to say that over the past few days he's become a cheeky, aggressive little pest. Basically, he's just trying it on, or pushing boundaries in an attempt to check who's really the boss around here. My job is to offer consistent reactions and consequences for his bad behaviour, even though it appears that my efforts are meeting with stubborn resistance.

His frustrating defiance reminds me of the extremely difficult time that a woman I know is having with one of her children. My level of annoyance with continued bird biting is escalating - how incomparably more difficult for her, when she is dealing with no small blue bird who can be put back in his cage, but a very angry and defiant ten year old who is capable of making school and family life an exhausting challenge for everyone who crosses his path. This is a child with a difficult background and a history of psychological difficulties. This is not a question of ineffective and lazy parenting. My friend and her husband couldn't be doing a better job of parenting their family and this is reflected in the very positive results with their other children.

Producing positive change doesn't occur magically or overnight, it comes as a result of patient and consistent reinforcement of rules and boundaries, with known consequences for undesirable behaviour and heaps of praise and rewards for positive behaviour. It's hard work and there are times when any parent can reach breaking point in the belief that nothing will ever change. But it's our job as parents to provide our children with the security of knowing that we are utterly dependable - both to love and nurture, yet also to provide the clear dividing line which says ' I will not allow you to destroy yourself or us.'

When you've reached that point where you know you've had enough, it's time to call in reinforcements in terms of other family members, friends or professionals, who can provide enough respite for you to sufficiently recover your energy and carry on with the amazing job you are doing. There is never any shame in admitting that you're burning out, and nobody will label you a bad parent for requesting some time off and support. As a society we have to quit judging one another and offer far more in the way of kindness and understanding of one another's efforts to parent our children in the best way we know how.

Meanwhile, I'm offering Otis another chance to come out of 'time out' and be nice!

If you need somewhere to turn in a crisis then here's a good place to start: /http://familylives.org.uk/

Early Pregnancy Tests and Stress.

I sometimes wonder if the days before home pregnancy tests, were not so bad after all? Obviously it's a good thing that women can plan and make important lifestyle choices from early conception. If we're in the habit of  indulging in rather more than the occasional glass of plonk, like to jump out of planes or ride horses over fences, then of course it makes sense not to put ourselves at risk of internal or external injury. Likewise, it's a good thing to take folic acid from early pregnancy, and for some of us it's essential to be certain what's happening from day one in order to make that all important decision.

But, you know I also see a whole lot of stress that our mothers and grandmothers didn't need to experience, because that kind of instant information was not available. When my Mum got pregnant, it was customary to wait until the second missed period before going to the doctor for a check up, and although that might seem like an interminably long time to wait, I can see some benefits. Most women will have a pretty good idea that they're pregnant by about 6 weeks after the last period, and by waiting for another couple of weeks before seeing a medical professional there's a chance to quietly come to terms with the very private wonder of the possibility of new life growing within. There was a chance to keep that knowledge to yourself without the need to announce it to the world at large. 

These days, the availability of home pregnancy tests creates a different kind of stress. Many very early pregnancies end in miscarriage without a woman even knowing that she was pregnant, yet thanks to a quick pee on a stick in the privacy of your own bathroom, that late period has now become an emotionally traumatic event that could have been unnecessary. Then there's the stress of a very faint positive result on a test, because for some women it's simply too early for the presence of HCG (pregnancy hormone) to give a strong result. So then we have women spending a lot of money on repeat tests which they then spend days, anxiously examining in minute detail, for conclusive proof of pregnancy. Am I really pregnant? Am I just bonkers? And then, if I am, how soon should I tell people? What about if I announce my pregnancy and then miscarry? When should I see a doctor of midwife? Is 5 weeks pregnant too soon? What about all those things I shouldn't eat - and Oh my God I think I ate a piece of blue cheese on Thursday night!

Early pregnancy seems to have somehow become this incredibly intense, anxiety provoking state that means a woman hasn't time to exhale before she's already concerning herself about the management of every aspect of her body. Personally, I'd like to see more of a balance between responsible behaviour and relaxed delight. Perhaps all pregnancy tests should come with a free health message. 'Congratulations, you're pregnant! Now chill out and enjoy! 

Or maybe I'm just a middle aged stargazer?  

Teenage Pregnancy - A Positive Story

As my last two posts might have come across as weighing too heavily on the negative aspects of teen pregnancy, I'd like to share a positive story which goes to prove that it's always good to be open minded. I've changed all identifying details in order to preserve confidentiality.

Several years ago as a community midwife, I had a fourteen year old girl on my case load. Carla was referred to our team by Social Services due to her age, and also because her family were already known to them because of poverty issues. Carla was one of six children being raised by a single mother - Mary, on a local council estate. I always tried to keep an open mind when visiting a new family, but as I pulled up outside their home, I felt resigned to another very difficult situation. The house was at the end of a cul-de-sac and had an overgrown front garden, littered with rusting bikes and the obligatory old sofa. The window next to the front door was cracked and held together by sticky tape and the whole place had a very neglected feel about it. The door was opened by Mary, a tired looking woman in her late forties, who nonetheless seemed happy to see me and ushered me into the living room. There were no carpets anywhere, the place was a chaotic mess of boxes and piles of clothes, and what furniture there was, appeared ancient and falling apart. 

Carla sat quietly on the sofa, head down and clearly very nervous. She seemed incredibly young and shy and very unlike the other defiant and mouthy teenagers I'd worked with. She was the kind of kid you just want to wrap your arms around. There was also a small boy asleep on another sofa and Mary sat beside him, affectionately stroking his head. She explained that he had a fever and was home from school as a result. As we talked and Mary shared some of her family history, it became apparent that she was actually a deeply caring and supportive mother to her children - two of whom had already left home. She acknowledged that Carla's pregnancy wasn't ideal, but that she would support and help her through it all. Carla barely spoke - clearly too shy to say much, but after a brief examination and careful history taking, she managed a warm smile and seemed happy to accept ongoing support and midwifery care. 

I saw her a few more times during her pregnancy which went well. She had a boyfriend - another quiet and shy boy who obviously wanted to be a part of what was happening. I wondered how on earth they'd cope after the baby was born, as the house was so overcrowded that Carla already shared a bedroom with two younger brothers. 

I asked her how she planned to feed her baby and was pleasantly surprised when she said that she wanted to breastfeed. Mary spoke up at that point and said she'd help as she'd successfully breastfed her own six children. I was hopeful that with support Carla would at least give breastfeeding a try. I was very concerned about their ability to maintain adequate hygiene for bottle feeding which needs scrupulous attention to cleanliness.

On my first visit following the birth, I walked in to find Carla sitting on the sofa, staring with rapt attention at her tiny baby boy who was contentedly breastfeeding like a dream. All was well and Carla said that she was finding breastfeeding fine and her baby seemed happy and contented, and indeed he looked a very peaceful little boy.  By my visit on day ten, it was clear that everything was going brilliantly. Carla was recovering well with no health problems, the baby was feeding beautifully and gaining weight, and Mary was taking everything in her usual calm stride, with little concern other than the usual one of making ends meet. She'd given up her own bedroom for Carla and the baby and seemed relatively unperturbed by it all.

I told Carla that she should be really proud of herself, and that I wished I could take her round to visit some of my other older Mum's so she could show them how to breastfeed! Her eyes shone with pride and I knew that somehow she'd grown in confidence and self esteem.

When I handed over their care to our local health visitor, it was with the knowledge that whatever happened in the future, Carla had excellent support, and despite family poverty had made the best possible start to raising her child. 

I don't know what happened long term, as soon after, I changed my job. But I do remember feeling less concerned about the well being of Carla and her baby, than I had previously about some other mothers from more affluent backgrounds. With good support, anything is possible.

Teenage Pregnancy - Making Decisions (Part 2)

Following on from my last post I wanted to talk about the emotional side of having a baby when you're very young. Obviously, not all teenage pregnancies are accidental. Many girls are desperate to have a baby at a very young age, and so often I've heard explanations along the lines of, 'I just want somebody to love.' or I want a baby because then I'll have someone who will really love me.' This might sound like a good enough reason to bring a child into the world, but really, the focus is the wrong way round.

As human beings we all have a basic need for love and approval, primarily from our own families. But life is rarely perfect and many of us grow up in homes without the kind of loving and dependable attention that enables us to grow into secure people with a clear sense of self worth. If you know that you don't really love yourself, that you feel insecure, that you go looking for love in the wrong places, then you need to be really careful that you're not thinking about bringing a baby into the world in an attempt to meet your own emotional needs.

Babies need undivided attention, love and security, twenty four hours a day. They eventually grow into demanding toddlers and then children who need completely dependable emotional, physical and educational care. Your ideal, sweet and cherubic baby girl, dressed in the cutest pink outfits, may turn out to be a demanding child with a mind of her own who continually tries your patience. It's important to be realistic. Talk to other young Mums you know, ask them about the difficult times and don't just focus on what you want to hear.

Another very important consideration is that of your own relationship. If you're together with the baby's Dad and things are good between you, then you'll stand a much better chance of successfully raising a baby than if you're in a difficult or upsetting relationship. If you know that your need for love is so great that you'll put a man before your baby - then obviously this is not a good situation in which to raise a child.

Many single girls seem to start out  as good and attentive young mothers until a new boyfriend appears on the scene. Very few young men will be seriously capable of raising another man's child with the kindness and care that a child deserves. The baby may well become something of a nuisance whom he eventually sees as coming between you. In extreme cases this is a big factor in cases of child neglect and abuse. Ask yourself this - are you capable of saying no to a relationship that isn't the best for your baby? Are you strong enough to walk away from a man who makes life difficult for you as a mother?

This might all sound really negative and maybe not what you want to think about, but it's vital to be realistic and ask yourself some hard questions before you make a decision that will affect both you and another human being for the rest of your lives.

On a more positive note - there are some absolutely wonderful young, single Mums out there who should be very proud of themselves for doing such an enormously, difficult job so well. It's tough, but it's possible, with support, to be a great Mum in your teens provided you are realistic about who you know yourself to be.

You're welcome to write in with a personal question here or find further resources here.

Teenage Pregnancy - Making Decisions (Part 1)

This is such an important subject that I'll probably divide this post into 2 parts so as not to make the posts too long. When I'm perusing the Internet and occasionally writing replies to questions on other forums, I notice that advice sites are absolutely overwhelmed with questions from very young women and girls asking about contraception and pregnancy. So many girls appear to be making decisions regarding whether or not to have a baby, with little objective guidance and no real idea about how to ask the right questions of themselves in order to make the best choice in their own particular circumstances.

If you're very young and faced with making what will surely be one of the most important decisions of your life, then how on earth do you decide what  to do? Finding out that you are pregnant can be a huge shock and it might be difficult to think clearly about what to do next.

Here are some important questions you may want to consider:

• Do you have good support? If you're very young and still at school or college, then have you told your parents or another caring relative or guardian? No matter how you think they'll react, the only way to know for sure what kind of support you might have, is to talk to the responsible adults in your life.

• What is your relationship with the potential father of your child? Was this a one night stand or are you in a long term relationship? Is he kind and supportive of you, or is he pressurising you to make a choice you're not comfortable with? Does he want to be involved if you choose to keep your baby?  If the answer is yes, is he mature enough to be able to put his own needs on hold in order to learn how to become a good Dad? If not, do you want to raise a child alone? 

• Where will you live? Are you able to live with a caring and supportive adult not only during your pregnancy but more importantly after the baby is born? For how long? 

• Work & Education: Have you considered the impact of interrupting your education or work?  How and when will you go back to school or work? What financial support is available?

• What about your friends and social life? Are you truly ready to give up your freedom and the life you live now, for weeks, months and years of staying home in order to care for a baby or small child? How will you feel when your friends are getting on with many aspects of their lives without you? Can you genuinely imagine being home with a baby, not just for a few nights but as a long term commitment?

• How will you satisfy your own emotional needs? Being a mother is all about caring for someone else, but what about you? If you have good support from your family or partner, this may not be so much of an issue, but for a young woman facing pregnancy and parenthood alone it might be the most important issue to think about. 

As I feel that the emotional and relationship aspects of teenage or single pregnancy need so much consideration, I'll explore this  in more depth in Part 2...

Mothering Means Mistakes.

As my own children grow up and begin to parent children of their own, I'm aware that as a mother I'm being given opportunities to examine the parenting skills and attitudes of my younger self. Hindsight is a wonderful thing provided we are able to view our younger selves with compassion. Mistakes are all part of the process of learning and growing as a human being, but the trouble is many of us have been conditioned  to believe that we have to be perfect and any kind of failure as a woman or a mother is somehow shameful. 

I know I've always had a tendency to idealism but as a younger woman I think my attitudes towards parenting were frankly arrogant. I tried so hard to get everything right and believed I had succeeded in raising a family of well balanced and happy children. It's not easy to admit but I think I felt superior to other mothers who weren't doing such a good job. I guess I felt that my way 'worked' and other mothers could learn from my example. Then later, unexpected family fall out happened in the form of complicated and acrimonious divorce, and during a long period of terrible emotional trauma, I knew what it was to have the rug well and truly pulled out from under my feet.

Now, many years into the slow rebuilding of myself and relationships, I often reminisce with my children and particularly one of my own daughters who is determined to be the world's best step mum. We've laughed together about my vigilance about my family's healthy diets and policing of sweet eating, we've talked about the way I disciplined them and decided that maybe in the long term, some aspects of my approach weren't always the best. I've had to admit that the woman I am now, at this stage in my life would do some things differently. However, if I look back at myself as a mother at her age, I realise that I was so incredibly young. How could I possibly know and understand the things I know now? I tell her to cut herself some slack as she does an amazing job that comes with an inbuilt mistake generator!

It takes courage, but it really is okay to tell ourselves and our children that we didn't always get everything right, and likewise for our children  to understand that there is no escaping inevitable mistakes which are part of our journey to become better human beings. Letting go of a need for perfection brings enormous emotional freedom as we learn to forgive ourselves and each other.