New Baby - Self Nurture. (Part 2)

The immediate postnatal period is a time of such profound physical, emotional and relationship change it's not surprising that for for some of us, what had been anticipated as a fantasy of joy and celebration turns out to be anything but. Unrealistic expectations are often to blame and it's a really good idea to think ahead about how you might want to handle certain situations before they occur. That's not to say that planning will solve every eventuality - new babies are after all,  people with very distinct personalities.

This short period of time is incredibly precious and will not come again. My own feelings are that the first couple of weeks after birth need to be a kind of protective space where anything non-essential to our own and the baby's well being is secondary. Obviously in a larger family, other children and our partners must be included, but how about keeping some of those well meaning and draining visitors at bay? We often feel pressured to open our homes to every friend and relative who wants to come over and admire our new little one, but do we really want to be learning the intimate art of breastfeeding for example, with a whole host of onlookers? Even those that come over to supposedly 'help' can often end up outstaying their welcome, leaving us tired, frustrated and desperately needing some peace, and for those of us with partners - some quiet and private time in which we learn how to relate to one another as a new family.

Prioritise your needs which are food, sleep and baby feeding and bonding. Whether you are breast or bottle feeding you need adequate food and rest. For breastfeeding this is vital - an afternoon nap is essential both for recovery from the birth and for the production of a good milk supply. If people have a habit of dropping in on you then switch off your phone, lock your front door and hang a sign saying something like 'New Parents Sleeping.' You can be polite - you don't need to write, 'Please Sod Off!' - even if you might feel like it!

Say 'Yes' to genuine offers of help, but 'No' to energy sucking leeches who you are allowing into your space because of a misplaced sense of guilt or obligation. Great people to have around are the ones who offer to take your three year old out to play, bring you over a home cooked meal without expecting to stay for a cup of coffee, or best of all take a big bag of washing  over to their own home to wash without disturbing you. This is not the time for entertaining others - you have the rest of your life to do this.

Anticipate that days 3-4 following delivery are likely to be extra tiring and emotionally fraught due to the enormous hormonal changes brought about by loss of the placenta and breasts going into milk production overdrive. Many of us find ourselves suddenly bursting into tears over apparently insignificant things and feeling as though we're not coping. This is perfectly normal and doesn't mean that we are losing control or developing postnatal depression. Commonly called the 'baby blues' this period is usually short lived and will pass quickly as long as we listen to our needs which are rest, food, baby feeding and more rest. If you have a partner, warn him or her in advance that you're likely to need extra support on those days, and for single mums, enlist the support of a helpful friend and know that the laundry and dishes can wait.

Your body has just been through a massively stressful experience and needs your care and attention to recover. Being kind to yourself will also enable your baby to settle and feel secure in a non- rushed and calm environment. Learning to mother our babies is also about learning to mother ourselves.

New Baby - Self Nurture

Having had my own life altered by a long term illness, I've been forced into a deeper investigation into the process of self nurture. I believe that for many women this is not something that comes naturally, mainly because so many of us have grown up with the idea that in order to be worthy or likeable we must always put others first. The attitudes of generations of self deprecation, self sacrifice and service to others, as accepted by our female ancestors, somehow resides in our bones and many of us mistakenly believe that looking after our own needs smacks of selfishness, and should be secondary to the welfare of our families. Add to this, the prevailing competitiveness of the 'yummy mummy' sector and it's not surprising that new motherhood can be an incredibly stressful time.

There are many factors that bring about postnatal problems including depression, but one factor that might be within our control is the need to do too much to please others, or because we feel we have something to prove. Just because our friend or sister was over-confidently striding round the supermarket the day after giving birth, doesn't mean that we have to try to do the same. It's a really good idea to work out why we feel a need to have a perfectly tidy house, an immaculate baby or an empty laundry basket when our bodies are crying out for sleep, food or a warm bath.

When I was a community midwife I could nearly always spot the woman who was going to be a sobbing wreck by day ten. She'd be shattered from lack of rest, experiencing increased blood loss, and her determination to breastfeed would have gone out of the window as she attempted to do way too much in order to satisfy unrealistic goals. Taking care of our own physical and emotional requirements goes hand in hand with also caring for a new baby. The symbiotic relationship between mother and baby means that a well fed and rested mother is far more likely to lead to a calm baby with reduced feeding problems.

Likewise, as I also need to take care of myself and ensure that I'm properly fed - today is a day when I need to write less and rest more!  In my next post I'll share some ideas about how to reduce stress and expectations during the immediate post natal period.