Stepmothers Are Mothers Too.

I find myself in the interesting position of being a woman who has had the experience of being an adoptive birth mother, yet writing in defence of the adoptive or step mother. After having a long chat with my daughter J, during which she expressed sadness and frustration with how she feels she is perceived as a step mother, I felt I'd like to share some thoughts on the subject.

J. is a fully qualified nursery nurse and children's nanny with many years of experience. She is also married to a man who has full custody of his three sons. She works with 2 toddlers during the day and spends her 'non work' hours mothering her stepsons. This is a full time job in itself, which due to special needs and behavioural problems requires every bit of patience, skill and expertise she possesses.

She has a group of close friends all with babies and toddlers of their own but recently this has become a source of frustration, as she is beginning to feel that she is treated differently and not really a part of 'the mummy club.' Apparently her wealth of experience counts for little because she hasn't actually given birth. I have to feel a little defensive on her behalf as I know that her daily step-mothering experiences with 3 boys now aged 9-14 have demanded far more of her than life with one delightful home grown baby ever could.

Because families are becoming less traditional and frequently involve second marriages - step-parenting has become normality for many women. It's a tough and demanding job leaving many women feeling exhausted and unappreciated. It's vital therefore to feel included and respected by your peers.

Some common sense suggestions for mama gatherings:

• Include step-mums in discussions and value their input. Ask for their advice and opinions in the same way you would any other mother.

• Never assume that the children's father does all the parenting while they take a back seat.

• Ask about their day to day lives and offer help such as babysitting and swapping childcare. Everybody needs a break - stepmothers especially.

• Remember stepchildren's names and birthdays even if they're not always present or at school. Send cards and include stepchildren at parties and outings - even if they're older. It's nice to be asked.

• Don't spend all your time talking about pregnancy, breastfeeding and baby sleep problems, this can create feelings of exclusion and also get pretty boring for women who aren't caught up in the intensity of  life with a new baby.

• Remember that we are women first, and mothers second. Mothering children is but a season of our lives, but the richness of relationships founded on our womanhood can last a lifetime.

Talking About Domestic Violence

It's been a sad week for Devon domestic violence services, as the government funding cuts will mean a greatly reduced service and expose current and future service users to increased risk. This news is devastating at a time when many families are already struggling to cope with increased stress from unemployment, debt and benefit cuts. In the end it's vulnerable women and children who will suffer and therefore put an increased burden on social services and the NHS. 

In light of this situation I just want to write a little here about domestic violence, which is of course a rather mundane term for the reality of being hit, kicked, raped, controlled and emotionally or financially abused by a partner or other close relative. It's sadly the experience of one in four women at some point in their lives. Men can also be victims, though I'm primarily writing here for women.

I think one of the hardest things for people who have never been abused, is to understand why a woman would choose to remain in a situation where she is continually hurt? The answers are complex and can't be adequately covered in a short blog post, but to simplify the issue  - it's mainly due to fear. Sometimes it's fear of retribution by a violent partner if she attempts to leave, but more often it's because the alternatives seem more frightening. Who wouldn't be terrified of homelessness and financial lack - especially when there are children involved? 

The loss of self esteem suffered by an abused woman deceives her into believing that love that hurts her is better than no love, and a few bruises are worth the price of not being left alone or without a partner. It's this lack of self belief that attracts an abuser in the first place, and so the literal vicious cycle continues.

The first step to the way out of a violent situation is often the hardest one to take and that's disclosure. Many women suffer in silence, hiding the fact that they are being abused even from close friends or other family members because they fear judgement. They feel deeply ashamed of what is happening to them but also terrified that if they tell somebody, they'll be forced to take action - sometimes long before they're ready. 

If you are being abused, it's important to tell somebody what's going on as this breaks the highly dis-empowering secrecy surrounding your situation. Find somebody - friend or professional who you know you can trust to listen supportively without trying pressure you into taking action you're not comfortable with. Bear in mind that if you have children your priority needs to be their protection. Sometimes it can be easier to talk to an anonymous stranger on the end of a telephone, than to trust a friend who may appear judgemental. It's often in talking to others that we're able to hear ourselves and what we really need as our truth is reflected back to us.

Likewise, if someone you know has chosen to tell you about their abusive relationship, then be very careful how you respond. Acting shocked or becoming visibly angry isn't helpful, neither is insisting that she must immediately leave her partner. What's helpful is quietly listening, offering non-judgemental support, perhaps offering practical help with children or somewhere safe to come to in a crisis. Sometimes listening without pressurising another can feel very difficult, but bear in mind that in choosing to tell you she has already taken an enormous step of trust. This might be all she is ready to do at present.

You can find further help including telephone numbers and a safety plan by following this link to The Mother Mama resources page.  and scrolling down to the Domestic Violence heading. You can also write in to the Help and Support page on this site here.

The Breast or Bottle Battle - dropping the judgements.

Yesterday, I was saddened to read about the hostility and insensitivity experienced by a young mother who'd visited a well known mothering forum. Her complaints about the rudeness she'd encountered were endorsed by other mothers who had also felt ostracised by their peers, mainly around the subject of bottle feeding. It seems that there is a particularly militant and vociferous wave of new mothers, who while intent on loudly proclaiming the perfect way to raise - and in particular - feed babies, have lost sight of the fact that a woman can only make choices based on her own life experience. As every one of us have come to motherhood from a host of different backgrounds and experiences, why should we assume that what's right for us is right for all?

Let me explain my own stance here. Yes, as a midwife and mother of six children I am passionate about the undoubted benefits of breastfeeding. I have positively encouraged breastfeeding for well over thirty years and looking back I can admit to seeing myself also standing on a soapbox of idealism. However, as I've grown older and worked with women from a variety of different backgrounds I've come to the conclusion that idealism isn't very helpful and that perhaps compassion and less judgement of others is the way to gently bring about positive change.

There are few mothers who genuinely believe that bottle feeding is better for their babies health,  they already have all the facts, and are probably sick to death of having the issue rammed down their throats at every opportunity. We women are applauded for making decisions in our own favour, including the right to control other aspects of our bodies, yet when it comes to making a choice about feeding our babies, suddenly everybody else's opinion is more valid than ours. 

I believe that one of the main reasons that women choose not to breastfeed is that we've become the recipients of very mixed messages about our breasts. Western society in particular has so overly sexualised the female breast that we've grown up believing that they are primarily an object of male sexual pleasure, and no longer quite our own property. It's just not possible for many of us to overcome the associations that have been bombarding us since childhood, and maybe a decision not to breastfeed is one woman's way of attempting to take back some control over her body? However, in order to overcome the guilt that many women feel regarding their choice to bottle feed, the decision is justified by the common complaint that 'I wanted to breastfeed but I just didn't produce enough milk.' As successful breastfeeding is highly linked to emotion, then it's not really surprising that feelings of pain, embarrassment, or uncomfortable memories will greatly inhibit the milk let down reflex and the subsequent supply and demand cycle. How can we possibly imagine that a telling off about the content of formula will encourage greater self belief?

I remember a friend and the wonderful mother of two really lovely boys, who despite trying everything, had been unsuccessful at breastfeeding due to very badly cracked nipples. With her third pregnancy and lots of positive encouragement and advice on positioning techniques, she was absolutely determined to breastfeed her new baby daughter. Despite every trick in the book, and with a good milk supply, things did not go well. I'll never forget her phone call  late one evening, two weeks following her daughter's birth, after having made the hard decision not to continue with what for her was becoming excruciating. She broke down sobbing, and said -

     'I don't want people to see me giving her a bottle in case they think I'm not a good mother!' 

I can tell you, I cried with her because of the tragic truth she was expressing regarding the way we judge one another.

If women can't turn to one another for support without fear of attack - then we are going nowhere in making the world a more loving place. Let's encourage one another to do the best we can and accept that this may mean something slightly different for each of us.

Time As Healer.

My beloved and I were talking about our children last night, and realising that the wonderful thing about middle age is that it's a time when all the missing and apparently broken pieces of our parenting experience begin to come together. It's been a remarkable few months where it seems for me that family growth and unity is accelerating at a greatly increased rate, and problems with my children that several years ago seemed insurmountable, are now dissolving like raindrops into the bigger pool of a whole life experience. What I find interesting here is that I wasn't actually able to do very much to solve the issues.

My early experience of mothering was about being the nurturer, the caretaker, the teacher, the one who made it all happen. I believed that I was indispensable and so entirely responsible for my children eventually becoming good people, I lost part of myself in the process. I failed to pay enough attention to my own health and happiness. When a series of life traumas and injustices resulted in a long period of separation from several of my children. I had no choice but to learn to be with me in a way that up until then I'd avoided. The control freak in me was forced to let go control. I became powerless for a while, but only in so far as my physicality was involved. The loving communication continued and with that the knowledge that I would only come through this period by trusting - blindly for the most part, in the unseen presence of what some would call God or a higher power, or what I've come to call the Universal Mother - a kind of personification of the loving perfection of an ordered Universe of which we are all a part.

It takes time - a long time for very difficult situations to work themselves out, but when we let go and allow the things beyond our control to evolve in their own way - we start to see the emerging bigger picture, and it's possible for heartbreak to become peace, troubled adolescents to become wise and compassionate adults, and our own battered mother hearts to take comfort from the knowledge that when we do the best we can - no matter how inadequate that may sometimes appear- the process of life and time will work out the details.

New Baby - Self Nurture (Part 3)

Following on from the last couple of posts about the immediate postnatal period, here are a few very practical suggestions for getting things off to a good start:

1. Rest as much as possible. You are not being lazy, you are allowing your body to heal, adjust and make milk for your baby. Even if you are bottle feeding, there are enormous changes taking place in your body and adequate rest is essential for your physical, mental and emotional well being. Get someone else to take care of other children - even for a couple of hours and try and go back to bed in the afternoon. Have the new baby's cradle right beside your bed so that instead of getting up each time she wakes, you can just lean over the side of the bed and scoop her up.

2. Eat properly: If you are breastfeeding this is not the time to begin a diet.. You will need approximately 400 calories more each day than when you were pregnant. Make sure that you are including plenty of good protein sources too, such as dairy products, eggs, meat, pulses and grains. Keep a plastic container in your fridge filled with healthy and filling snacks, such as chunks of cheese, hard boiled eggs, fruit, rice cakes, nuts, yogurt etc. so that you can always grab something to keep you going if your baby is constantly feeding or needing attention at mealtimes. You will get very hungry and thirsty, and if you don't feed yourself - then your milk supply will suffer.

3. Make good use of your baby's sleep times. This isn't the perfect time to catch up on dishes or laundry, it's a good time for you to either sleep or take a bath. Good things to add to a bath are lavender, geranium or rose essential oils. 5 drops diluted in a little unscented body wash, work well for relaxation, mood balancing and wound healing. If you're alone and it seems impossible to find the time, or you're worried you might not hear your baby wake, then bring him into the bathroom with you. Instead of bright overhead lighting, use couple of safely placed candles to create a relaxing atmosphere, and he's more likely to stay relaxed and asleep.

4. If you have stitches or a a perineal tear, you can greatly reduce pain, discomfort and infection by flushing with warm water several times a day. If you don't have access to a bidet - then perching on the edge of the bath and spraying the area with a shower attachment works just as well. Make sure the water is comfortably warm and rinse the area for about two minutes at a time, especially after you've used the toilet. Pat dry with a soft towel kept only for this purpose and change it everyday. This really does make a difference. 

5. Engorged breasts can be relieved by leaning over a bowl of hot water and applying a hot wet wash cloth to any swollen or hardened area, gentle massage in a stroking motion down towards the nipple will get the milk flowing, but don't be tempted to empty the breast completely, just enough to relieve pressure. Allow your baby to suckle frequently and take paracetamol (acetaminophen). The swelling will settle down after around 48 hours and is a normal reaction to breastfeeding hormones. If you're bottle feeding - your breasts will also swell around the fourth day, but don't try to express any milk as this will make them worse. Wear a good supportive bra and leave them well alone. They will gradually return to normal. Cracked nipples can be prevented by ensuring that your baby is correctly positioned and by using a good salve. I highly recommend Lansinoh cream which is a very greasy ointment made from pure lanolin. It's highly protective and healing.

6. Emotionally overwhelmed? Some women sail through this period with remarkable ease but many of us don't. If you are feeling exhausted, irritable, tearful and an emotional basket case - this doesn't mean that you are inadequate, weak or a useless mother. It means that you are experiencing a normal reaction to massive life changes and need to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to adjust. Every woman is different and you are discovering how to do things your way with your baby. You don't have to try to be like anybody else. Allow yourself to experience  this short time fully with all its ups and downs, and know that you are learning and growing as a woman even if it sometimes feels as though everything is out of control. If things don't resolve in a week or so -  then talk to your midwife or doctor.

I'm also very happy to answer personal questions here if you feel you'd like some extra support.

New Baby - Self Nurture. (Part 2)

The immediate postnatal period is a time of such profound physical, emotional and relationship change it's not surprising that for for some of us, what had been anticipated as a fantasy of joy and celebration turns out to be anything but. Unrealistic expectations are often to blame and it's a really good idea to think ahead about how you might want to handle certain situations before they occur. That's not to say that planning will solve every eventuality - new babies are after all,  people with very distinct personalities.

This short period of time is incredibly precious and will not come again. My own feelings are that the first couple of weeks after birth need to be a kind of protective space where anything non-essential to our own and the baby's well being is secondary. Obviously in a larger family, other children and our partners must be included, but how about keeping some of those well meaning and draining visitors at bay? We often feel pressured to open our homes to every friend and relative who wants to come over and admire our new little one, but do we really want to be learning the intimate art of breastfeeding for example, with a whole host of onlookers? Even those that come over to supposedly 'help' can often end up outstaying their welcome, leaving us tired, frustrated and desperately needing some peace, and for those of us with partners - some quiet and private time in which we learn how to relate to one another as a new family.

Prioritise your needs which are food, sleep and baby feeding and bonding. Whether you are breast or bottle feeding you need adequate food and rest. For breastfeeding this is vital - an afternoon nap is essential both for recovery from the birth and for the production of a good milk supply. If people have a habit of dropping in on you then switch off your phone, lock your front door and hang a sign saying something like 'New Parents Sleeping.' You can be polite - you don't need to write, 'Please Sod Off!' - even if you might feel like it!

Say 'Yes' to genuine offers of help, but 'No' to energy sucking leeches who you are allowing into your space because of a misplaced sense of guilt or obligation. Great people to have around are the ones who offer to take your three year old out to play, bring you over a home cooked meal without expecting to stay for a cup of coffee, or best of all take a big bag of washing  over to their own home to wash without disturbing you. This is not the time for entertaining others - you have the rest of your life to do this.

Anticipate that days 3-4 following delivery are likely to be extra tiring and emotionally fraught due to the enormous hormonal changes brought about by loss of the placenta and breasts going into milk production overdrive. Many of us find ourselves suddenly bursting into tears over apparently insignificant things and feeling as though we're not coping. This is perfectly normal and doesn't mean that we are losing control or developing postnatal depression. Commonly called the 'baby blues' this period is usually short lived and will pass quickly as long as we listen to our needs which are rest, food, baby feeding and more rest. If you have a partner, warn him or her in advance that you're likely to need extra support on those days, and for single mums, enlist the support of a helpful friend and know that the laundry and dishes can wait.

Your body has just been through a massively stressful experience and needs your care and attention to recover. Being kind to yourself will also enable your baby to settle and feel secure in a non- rushed and calm environment. Learning to mother our babies is also about learning to mother ourselves.

New Baby - Self Nurture

Having had my own life altered by a long term illness, I've been forced into a deeper investigation into the process of self nurture. I believe that for many women this is not something that comes naturally, mainly because so many of us have grown up with the idea that in order to be worthy or likeable we must always put others first. The attitudes of generations of self deprecation, self sacrifice and service to others, as accepted by our female ancestors, somehow resides in our bones and many of us mistakenly believe that looking after our own needs smacks of selfishness, and should be secondary to the welfare of our families. Add to this, the prevailing competitiveness of the 'yummy mummy' sector and it's not surprising that new motherhood can be an incredibly stressful time.

There are many factors that bring about postnatal problems including depression, but one factor that might be within our control is the need to do too much to please others, or because we feel we have something to prove. Just because our friend or sister was over-confidently striding round the supermarket the day after giving birth, doesn't mean that we have to try to do the same. It's a really good idea to work out why we feel a need to have a perfectly tidy house, an immaculate baby or an empty laundry basket when our bodies are crying out for sleep, food or a warm bath.

When I was a community midwife I could nearly always spot the woman who was going to be a sobbing wreck by day ten. She'd be shattered from lack of rest, experiencing increased blood loss, and her determination to breastfeed would have gone out of the window as she attempted to do way too much in order to satisfy unrealistic goals. Taking care of our own physical and emotional requirements goes hand in hand with also caring for a new baby. The symbiotic relationship between mother and baby means that a well fed and rested mother is far more likely to lead to a calm baby with reduced feeding problems.

Likewise, as I also need to take care of myself and ensure that I'm properly fed - today is a day when I need to write less and rest more!  In my next post I'll share some ideas about how to reduce stress and expectations during the immediate post natal period.