Solving New Baby Sleep Problems

As my eldest has now become a father and I'm delighting in my new status as proud grandmother, I find myself remembering back to all those nights of sleep deprivation that come to virtually every parent of a new baby. I'm not sure we can ever fully prepare for the sheer exhaustion of night after night of interrupted sleep, but there are ways of relieving some of the stress of a constantly wakeful baby.

One of the things that new parents frequently experience is the problem of a tiny baby having his days and nights muddled up. Sometimes it's possible to get an idea in advance that your baby is likely to be born as a night waker if you notice that during the late stages of pregnancy, he's one of those little loves who begins bouncing around the moment you lay down for the night. This is very common as it's likely that normal daytime movement and activities by Mum, are acting as a soothing form of rocking that perhaps helps an unborn baby sleep.

So if during those first few days following birth you notice that your little one appears to want to sleep soundly during the day and then wake up and become alert and active in the wee small hours, it's worth trying these tips to nudge him into a more considerate sleep pattern.

Make sure that you create a distinct contrast between night and day in your home: If you can do all of the following you'll probably find a big difference within a week or two.

• During the daytime, don't tiptoe around being quiet if your baby is asleep. Carry on as normal and expose her to your usual amount of daytime sounds such as the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, phone calls, TV, radio and conversation going on in the house.

• Talk to her and play with her lots during daylight hours. Nappy/diaper changing time is a good opportunity for some noisy interaction. 

• Expose her to plenty of natural light in the house, don't pull curtains while she sleeps and try and take her outdoors on sunny mornings, well protected with light cotton clothing and obviously not left in direct sunlight. Use common sense here!

• If he's asleep for more than 4 hours at a stretch during the day, then attempt to gently wake him. This may not work initially, but it's worth trying.

• At night, keep all noise and activity to an absolute minimum. The idea is to disturb him as little as possible while attending to feeding, changing etc.

• Do not turn normal  bedroom lights on while attending to her, instead substitute a night light or exchange your normal bedside light bulb for a coloured bulb which will give out a dimmer light. I always found that a red bulb worked really well and created just enough light to see without any bright glare.

• No matter how cute he is, or what kinds of sweet, engaging sounds he's making, try to resist the temptation to talk to him or play with him. Feed him in silence and keep all movements as calm and gentle as possible. 

• If she's crying and needs soothing, then rock her very gently in a dark room and keep you own vocal sounds very low.

• Don't change his nappy unless it's really necessary. If he's not obviously really wet or dirty, then leave it until the next feed. Unnecessary diaper changes will just stimulate him into activity. You could also consider changing him before, rather than after night feeds. That way if he drifts off to sleep during his feed, you can lay him gently down without disturbing him.

• Some babies will automatically wake up when they're laid back into their crib, because they sense the change in temperature. You can sometimes solve this problem by wrapping a blanket around his back while cuddling or feeding him and the when you think he's asleep, lay him back down in his crib with the blanket still underneath him. Hopefully, he'll stay asleep.

Creating change takes time and perseverance, but if you're consistent in your approach, you will begin to see results.

Boys, Budgies & Bad Behaviour.

I'm having a very frustrating day today, dealing with my pet budgie's recently developed behavioural problems. Historically a good natured, highly talkative and much loved little friend, I'm sorry to say that over the past few days he's become a cheeky, aggressive little pest. Basically, he's just trying it on, or pushing boundaries in an attempt to check who's really the boss around here. My job is to offer consistent reactions and consequences for his bad behaviour, even though it appears that my efforts are meeting with stubborn resistance.

His frustrating defiance reminds me of the extremely difficult time that a woman I know is having with one of her children. My level of annoyance with continued bird biting is escalating - how incomparably more difficult for her, when she is dealing with no small blue bird who can be put back in his cage, but a very angry and defiant ten year old who is capable of making school and family life an exhausting challenge for everyone who crosses his path. This is a child with a difficult background and a history of psychological difficulties. This is not a question of ineffective and lazy parenting. My friend and her husband couldn't be doing a better job of parenting their family and this is reflected in the very positive results with their other children.

Producing positive change doesn't occur magically or overnight, it comes as a result of patient and consistent reinforcement of rules and boundaries, with known consequences for undesirable behaviour and heaps of praise and rewards for positive behaviour. It's hard work and there are times when any parent can reach breaking point in the belief that nothing will ever change. But it's our job as parents to provide our children with the security of knowing that we are utterly dependable - both to love and nurture, yet also to provide the clear dividing line which says ' I will not allow you to destroy yourself or us.'

When you've reached that point where you know you've had enough, it's time to call in reinforcements in terms of other family members, friends or professionals, who can provide enough respite for you to sufficiently recover your energy and carry on with the amazing job you are doing. There is never any shame in admitting that you're burning out, and nobody will label you a bad parent for requesting some time off and support. As a society we have to quit judging one another and offer far more in the way of kindness and understanding of one another's efforts to parent our children in the best way we know how.

Meanwhile, I'm offering Otis another chance to come out of 'time out' and be nice!

If you need somewhere to turn in a crisis then here's a good place to start: /http://familylives.org.uk/

Early Pregnancy Tests and Stress.

I sometimes wonder if the days before home pregnancy tests, were not so bad after all? Obviously it's a good thing that women can plan and make important lifestyle choices from early conception. If we're in the habit of  indulging in rather more than the occasional glass of plonk, like to jump out of planes or ride horses over fences, then of course it makes sense not to put ourselves at risk of internal or external injury. Likewise, it's a good thing to take folic acid from early pregnancy, and for some of us it's essential to be certain what's happening from day one in order to make that all important decision.

But, you know I also see a whole lot of stress that our mothers and grandmothers didn't need to experience, because that kind of instant information was not available. When my Mum got pregnant, it was customary to wait until the second missed period before going to the doctor for a check up, and although that might seem like an interminably long time to wait, I can see some benefits. Most women will have a pretty good idea that they're pregnant by about 6 weeks after the last period, and by waiting for another couple of weeks before seeing a medical professional there's a chance to quietly come to terms with the very private wonder of the possibility of new life growing within. There was a chance to keep that knowledge to yourself without the need to announce it to the world at large. 

These days, the availability of home pregnancy tests creates a different kind of stress. Many very early pregnancies end in miscarriage without a woman even knowing that she was pregnant, yet thanks to a quick pee on a stick in the privacy of your own bathroom, that late period has now become an emotionally traumatic event that could have been unnecessary. Then there's the stress of a very faint positive result on a test, because for some women it's simply too early for the presence of HCG (pregnancy hormone) to give a strong result. So then we have women spending a lot of money on repeat tests which they then spend days, anxiously examining in minute detail, for conclusive proof of pregnancy. Am I really pregnant? Am I just bonkers? And then, if I am, how soon should I tell people? What about if I announce my pregnancy and then miscarry? When should I see a doctor of midwife? Is 5 weeks pregnant too soon? What about all those things I shouldn't eat - and Oh my God I think I ate a piece of blue cheese on Thursday night!

Early pregnancy seems to have somehow become this incredibly intense, anxiety provoking state that means a woman hasn't time to exhale before she's already concerning herself about the management of every aspect of her body. Personally, I'd like to see more of a balance between responsible behaviour and relaxed delight. Perhaps all pregnancy tests should come with a free health message. 'Congratulations, you're pregnant! Now chill out and enjoy! 

Or maybe I'm just a middle aged stargazer?  

Teenage Pregnancy - A Positive Story

As my last two posts might have come across as weighing too heavily on the negative aspects of teen pregnancy, I'd like to share a positive story which goes to prove that it's always good to be open minded. I've changed all identifying details in order to preserve confidentiality.

Several years ago as a community midwife, I had a fourteen year old girl on my case load. Carla was referred to our team by Social Services due to her age, and also because her family were already known to them because of poverty issues. Carla was one of six children being raised by a single mother - Mary, on a local council estate. I always tried to keep an open mind when visiting a new family, but as I pulled up outside their home, I felt resigned to another very difficult situation. The house was at the end of a cul-de-sac and had an overgrown front garden, littered with rusting bikes and the obligatory old sofa. The window next to the front door was cracked and held together by sticky tape and the whole place had a very neglected feel about it. The door was opened by Mary, a tired looking woman in her late forties, who nonetheless seemed happy to see me and ushered me into the living room. There were no carpets anywhere, the place was a chaotic mess of boxes and piles of clothes, and what furniture there was, appeared ancient and falling apart. 

Carla sat quietly on the sofa, head down and clearly very nervous. She seemed incredibly young and shy and very unlike the other defiant and mouthy teenagers I'd worked with. She was the kind of kid you just want to wrap your arms around. There was also a small boy asleep on another sofa and Mary sat beside him, affectionately stroking his head. She explained that he had a fever and was home from school as a result. As we talked and Mary shared some of her family history, it became apparent that she was actually a deeply caring and supportive mother to her children - two of whom had already left home. She acknowledged that Carla's pregnancy wasn't ideal, but that she would support and help her through it all. Carla barely spoke - clearly too shy to say much, but after a brief examination and careful history taking, she managed a warm smile and seemed happy to accept ongoing support and midwifery care. 

I saw her a few more times during her pregnancy which went well. She had a boyfriend - another quiet and shy boy who obviously wanted to be a part of what was happening. I wondered how on earth they'd cope after the baby was born, as the house was so overcrowded that Carla already shared a bedroom with two younger brothers. 

I asked her how she planned to feed her baby and was pleasantly surprised when she said that she wanted to breastfeed. Mary spoke up at that point and said she'd help as she'd successfully breastfed her own six children. I was hopeful that with support Carla would at least give breastfeeding a try. I was very concerned about their ability to maintain adequate hygiene for bottle feeding which needs scrupulous attention to cleanliness.

On my first visit following the birth, I walked in to find Carla sitting on the sofa, staring with rapt attention at her tiny baby boy who was contentedly breastfeeding like a dream. All was well and Carla said that she was finding breastfeeding fine and her baby seemed happy and contented, and indeed he looked a very peaceful little boy.  By my visit on day ten, it was clear that everything was going brilliantly. Carla was recovering well with no health problems, the baby was feeding beautifully and gaining weight, and Mary was taking everything in her usual calm stride, with little concern other than the usual one of making ends meet. She'd given up her own bedroom for Carla and the baby and seemed relatively unperturbed by it all.

I told Carla that she should be really proud of herself, and that I wished I could take her round to visit some of my other older Mum's so she could show them how to breastfeed! Her eyes shone with pride and I knew that somehow she'd grown in confidence and self esteem.

When I handed over their care to our local health visitor, it was with the knowledge that whatever happened in the future, Carla had excellent support, and despite family poverty had made the best possible start to raising her child. 

I don't know what happened long term, as soon after, I changed my job. But I do remember feeling less concerned about the well being of Carla and her baby, than I had previously about some other mothers from more affluent backgrounds. With good support, anything is possible.

Teenage Pregnancy - Making Decisions (Part 2)

Following on from my last post I wanted to talk about the emotional side of having a baby when you're very young. Obviously, not all teenage pregnancies are accidental. Many girls are desperate to have a baby at a very young age, and so often I've heard explanations along the lines of, 'I just want somebody to love.' or I want a baby because then I'll have someone who will really love me.' This might sound like a good enough reason to bring a child into the world, but really, the focus is the wrong way round.

As human beings we all have a basic need for love and approval, primarily from our own families. But life is rarely perfect and many of us grow up in homes without the kind of loving and dependable attention that enables us to grow into secure people with a clear sense of self worth. If you know that you don't really love yourself, that you feel insecure, that you go looking for love in the wrong places, then you need to be really careful that you're not thinking about bringing a baby into the world in an attempt to meet your own emotional needs.

Babies need undivided attention, love and security, twenty four hours a day. They eventually grow into demanding toddlers and then children who need completely dependable emotional, physical and educational care. Your ideal, sweet and cherubic baby girl, dressed in the cutest pink outfits, may turn out to be a demanding child with a mind of her own who continually tries your patience. It's important to be realistic. Talk to other young Mums you know, ask them about the difficult times and don't just focus on what you want to hear.

Another very important consideration is that of your own relationship. If you're together with the baby's Dad and things are good between you, then you'll stand a much better chance of successfully raising a baby than if you're in a difficult or upsetting relationship. If you know that your need for love is so great that you'll put a man before your baby - then obviously this is not a good situation in which to raise a child.

Many single girls seem to start out  as good and attentive young mothers until a new boyfriend appears on the scene. Very few young men will be seriously capable of raising another man's child with the kindness and care that a child deserves. The baby may well become something of a nuisance whom he eventually sees as coming between you. In extreme cases this is a big factor in cases of child neglect and abuse. Ask yourself this - are you capable of saying no to a relationship that isn't the best for your baby? Are you strong enough to walk away from a man who makes life difficult for you as a mother?

This might all sound really negative and maybe not what you want to think about, but it's vital to be realistic and ask yourself some hard questions before you make a decision that will affect both you and another human being for the rest of your lives.

On a more positive note - there are some absolutely wonderful young, single Mums out there who should be very proud of themselves for doing such an enormously, difficult job so well. It's tough, but it's possible, with support, to be a great Mum in your teens provided you are realistic about who you know yourself to be.

You're welcome to write in with a personal question here or find further resources here.

Teenage Pregnancy - Making Decisions (Part 1)

This is such an important subject that I'll probably divide this post into 2 parts so as not to make the posts too long. When I'm perusing the Internet and occasionally writing replies to questions on other forums, I notice that advice sites are absolutely overwhelmed with questions from very young women and girls asking about contraception and pregnancy. So many girls appear to be making decisions regarding whether or not to have a baby, with little objective guidance and no real idea about how to ask the right questions of themselves in order to make the best choice in their own particular circumstances.

If you're very young and faced with making what will surely be one of the most important decisions of your life, then how on earth do you decide what  to do? Finding out that you are pregnant can be a huge shock and it might be difficult to think clearly about what to do next.

Here are some important questions you may want to consider:

• Do you have good support? If you're very young and still at school or college, then have you told your parents or another caring relative or guardian? No matter how you think they'll react, the only way to know for sure what kind of support you might have, is to talk to the responsible adults in your life.

• What is your relationship with the potential father of your child? Was this a one night stand or are you in a long term relationship? Is he kind and supportive of you, or is he pressurising you to make a choice you're not comfortable with? Does he want to be involved if you choose to keep your baby?  If the answer is yes, is he mature enough to be able to put his own needs on hold in order to learn how to become a good Dad? If not, do you want to raise a child alone? 

• Where will you live? Are you able to live with a caring and supportive adult not only during your pregnancy but more importantly after the baby is born? For how long? 

• Work & Education: Have you considered the impact of interrupting your education or work?  How and when will you go back to school or work? What financial support is available?

• What about your friends and social life? Are you truly ready to give up your freedom and the life you live now, for weeks, months and years of staying home in order to care for a baby or small child? How will you feel when your friends are getting on with many aspects of their lives without you? Can you genuinely imagine being home with a baby, not just for a few nights but as a long term commitment?

• How will you satisfy your own emotional needs? Being a mother is all about caring for someone else, but what about you? If you have good support from your family or partner, this may not be so much of an issue, but for a young woman facing pregnancy and parenthood alone it might be the most important issue to think about. 

As I feel that the emotional and relationship aspects of teenage or single pregnancy need so much consideration, I'll explore this  in more depth in Part 2...

Mothering Means Mistakes.

As my own children grow up and begin to parent children of their own, I'm aware that as a mother I'm being given opportunities to examine the parenting skills and attitudes of my younger self. Hindsight is a wonderful thing provided we are able to view our younger selves with compassion. Mistakes are all part of the process of learning and growing as a human being, but the trouble is many of us have been conditioned  to believe that we have to be perfect and any kind of failure as a woman or a mother is somehow shameful. 

I know I've always had a tendency to idealism but as a younger woman I think my attitudes towards parenting were frankly arrogant. I tried so hard to get everything right and believed I had succeeded in raising a family of well balanced and happy children. It's not easy to admit but I think I felt superior to other mothers who weren't doing such a good job. I guess I felt that my way 'worked' and other mothers could learn from my example. Then later, unexpected family fall out happened in the form of complicated and acrimonious divorce, and during a long period of terrible emotional trauma, I knew what it was to have the rug well and truly pulled out from under my feet.

Now, many years into the slow rebuilding of myself and relationships, I often reminisce with my children and particularly one of my own daughters who is determined to be the world's best step mum. We've laughed together about my vigilance about my family's healthy diets and policing of sweet eating, we've talked about the way I disciplined them and decided that maybe in the long term, some aspects of my approach weren't always the best. I've had to admit that the woman I am now, at this stage in my life would do some things differently. However, if I look back at myself as a mother at her age, I realise that I was so incredibly young. How could I possibly know and understand the things I know now? I tell her to cut herself some slack as she does an amazing job that comes with an inbuilt mistake generator!

It takes courage, but it really is okay to tell ourselves and our children that we didn't always get everything right, and likewise for our children  to understand that there is no escaping inevitable mistakes which are part of our journey to become better human beings. Letting go of a need for perfection brings enormous emotional freedom as we learn to forgive ourselves and each other.

The Collective Mother - reaching out to Japan

Today, watching and reading the relentless outpouring of news on the Japanese earthquake and tsunami disaster I feel that our collective mother heart must surely look beyond our own immediate sufferings and reach out in compassion to families devastated by a horror of such magnitude.

In considering my personal, historical suffering as a mother and fully acknowledging my very real experiences of separation, estrangement and periods of such darkness I feared for my survival, I can know for sure that by comparison to the mothers of Japan, my suffering is small. My children are all alive, they are well and for the most part, our connection with one another is deep, loving and meaningful.

I am not staggering  through a decimated landscape, searching through piles of rubble for the bloated body parts of my drowned and missing children. I'm sitting here on my comfortable sofa, looking out onto a calm and peaceful garden. By comparison I lack nothing.

Gratitude for my lot seems unspeakable - an insult almost - something to be quietly whispered in awe and reverence for the seemingly chaotic forces that shape our times. Yet, only in expressing that gratitude am I able to see the reality of what I have, rather than what I lack.

You can donate to the Japanese disaster fund here:  The Red Cross
or here:  Save The Children

Long Distance Parenting

As I attempt to work out a schooling issue for my youngest daughter from 3,000 miles away, I'm struck by how much progress we've made over the past few years and how much my tenacity has paid off. At seventeen, she's over the worst of her teenage angst and now shining both academically and socially. I am learning to exhale...

Long distance parenting - no matter how or why it's been forced upon us, has surely got to be one of the toughest challenges known to womankind - or even mankind for that matter. The truth is that at times it's hurt like hell, it's required every bit of my stubborn determination, faith, and a love that's big enough to wrap around the whole situation, including my own rage at historical unfairness and injustice. Being an absent mother has required that I take a firm hold of the part of me that would drown in a sea of guilt and instead walk into that ocean of pain and teach myself and my children to swim.

I believe I have some understanding of why so many non-custodial parents eventually fade out of their children's lives, and that's because staying with a situation in which we may have very limited control, is so incredibly painful. Every time you put down the phone, every time you wave goodbye across an airport barrier, a part of your heart gets ripped to shreds and it must be so tempting to listen to the voice which tells you to give up, that it's not worth the hurt you all experience. Yet, somehow I've hung on. I've chosen to stay with a process that's got an unknown outcome and I am so very, very glad that I did.

I think one of the things that's made the most difference is that I've been truthful with my children all the way along. Kids can smell bullshit a mile off, and I've tried very hard to give them the respect they deserve by owning my own failures, steering as clear as possible from blaming others - not easy, but most of all by being a safe and consistent source of non-judgemental, emotional support; much of it through telephone and email conversations. I love you Facebook!

Time spent together physically is unbelievably precious and often a time for allowing a little more more of our mutual pain to surface for healing. It's necessary hard work, it's not for the fainthearted or inconsistent, but it's paid off in reciprocal deep love and appreciation for one another, a shared sense of rather ridiculous humour, an ability to discuss and solve practically anything of an embarrassing or personal nature, and most of all the understanding that we are all part of a bigger story that's still unfolding.

My children are some of the most courageous people I know and I'm so very proud and honoured that they call me Mother.

Stepmothers Are Mothers Too.

I find myself in the interesting position of being a woman who has had the experience of being an adoptive birth mother, yet writing in defence of the adoptive or step mother. After having a long chat with my daughter J, during which she expressed sadness and frustration with how she feels she is perceived as a step mother, I felt I'd like to share some thoughts on the subject.

J. is a fully qualified nursery nurse and children's nanny with many years of experience. She is also married to a man who has full custody of his three sons. She works with 2 toddlers during the day and spends her 'non work' hours mothering her stepsons. This is a full time job in itself, which due to special needs and behavioural problems requires every bit of patience, skill and expertise she possesses.

She has a group of close friends all with babies and toddlers of their own but recently this has become a source of frustration, as she is beginning to feel that she is treated differently and not really a part of 'the mummy club.' Apparently her wealth of experience counts for little because she hasn't actually given birth. I have to feel a little defensive on her behalf as I know that her daily step-mothering experiences with 3 boys now aged 9-14 have demanded far more of her than life with one delightful home grown baby ever could.

Because families are becoming less traditional and frequently involve second marriages - step-parenting has become normality for many women. It's a tough and demanding job leaving many women feeling exhausted and unappreciated. It's vital therefore to feel included and respected by your peers.

Some common sense suggestions for mama gatherings:

• Include step-mums in discussions and value their input. Ask for their advice and opinions in the same way you would any other mother.

• Never assume that the children's father does all the parenting while they take a back seat.

• Ask about their day to day lives and offer help such as babysitting and swapping childcare. Everybody needs a break - stepmothers especially.

• Remember stepchildren's names and birthdays even if they're not always present or at school. Send cards and include stepchildren at parties and outings - even if they're older. It's nice to be asked.

• Don't spend all your time talking about pregnancy, breastfeeding and baby sleep problems, this can create feelings of exclusion and also get pretty boring for women who aren't caught up in the intensity of  life with a new baby.

• Remember that we are women first, and mothers second. Mothering children is but a season of our lives, but the richness of relationships founded on our womanhood can last a lifetime.

Talking About Domestic Violence

It's been a sad week for Devon domestic violence services, as the government funding cuts will mean a greatly reduced service and expose current and future service users to increased risk. This news is devastating at a time when many families are already struggling to cope with increased stress from unemployment, debt and benefit cuts. In the end it's vulnerable women and children who will suffer and therefore put an increased burden on social services and the NHS. 

In light of this situation I just want to write a little here about domestic violence, which is of course a rather mundane term for the reality of being hit, kicked, raped, controlled and emotionally or financially abused by a partner or other close relative. It's sadly the experience of one in four women at some point in their lives. Men can also be victims, though I'm primarily writing here for women.

I think one of the hardest things for people who have never been abused, is to understand why a woman would choose to remain in a situation where she is continually hurt? The answers are complex and can't be adequately covered in a short blog post, but to simplify the issue  - it's mainly due to fear. Sometimes it's fear of retribution by a violent partner if she attempts to leave, but more often it's because the alternatives seem more frightening. Who wouldn't be terrified of homelessness and financial lack - especially when there are children involved? 

The loss of self esteem suffered by an abused woman deceives her into believing that love that hurts her is better than no love, and a few bruises are worth the price of not being left alone or without a partner. It's this lack of self belief that attracts an abuser in the first place, and so the literal vicious cycle continues.

The first step to the way out of a violent situation is often the hardest one to take and that's disclosure. Many women suffer in silence, hiding the fact that they are being abused even from close friends or other family members because they fear judgement. They feel deeply ashamed of what is happening to them but also terrified that if they tell somebody, they'll be forced to take action - sometimes long before they're ready. 

If you are being abused, it's important to tell somebody what's going on as this breaks the highly dis-empowering secrecy surrounding your situation. Find somebody - friend or professional who you know you can trust to listen supportively without trying pressure you into taking action you're not comfortable with. Bear in mind that if you have children your priority needs to be their protection. Sometimes it can be easier to talk to an anonymous stranger on the end of a telephone, than to trust a friend who may appear judgemental. It's often in talking to others that we're able to hear ourselves and what we really need as our truth is reflected back to us.

Likewise, if someone you know has chosen to tell you about their abusive relationship, then be very careful how you respond. Acting shocked or becoming visibly angry isn't helpful, neither is insisting that she must immediately leave her partner. What's helpful is quietly listening, offering non-judgemental support, perhaps offering practical help with children or somewhere safe to come to in a crisis. Sometimes listening without pressurising another can feel very difficult, but bear in mind that in choosing to tell you she has already taken an enormous step of trust. This might be all she is ready to do at present.

You can find further help including telephone numbers and a safety plan by following this link to The Mother Mama resources page.  and scrolling down to the Domestic Violence heading. You can also write in to the Help and Support page on this site here.

The Breast or Bottle Battle - dropping the judgements.

Yesterday, I was saddened to read about the hostility and insensitivity experienced by a young mother who'd visited a well known mothering forum. Her complaints about the rudeness she'd encountered were endorsed by other mothers who had also felt ostracised by their peers, mainly around the subject of bottle feeding. It seems that there is a particularly militant and vociferous wave of new mothers, who while intent on loudly proclaiming the perfect way to raise - and in particular - feed babies, have lost sight of the fact that a woman can only make choices based on her own life experience. As every one of us have come to motherhood from a host of different backgrounds and experiences, why should we assume that what's right for us is right for all?

Let me explain my own stance here. Yes, as a midwife and mother of six children I am passionate about the undoubted benefits of breastfeeding. I have positively encouraged breastfeeding for well over thirty years and looking back I can admit to seeing myself also standing on a soapbox of idealism. However, as I've grown older and worked with women from a variety of different backgrounds I've come to the conclusion that idealism isn't very helpful and that perhaps compassion and less judgement of others is the way to gently bring about positive change.

There are few mothers who genuinely believe that bottle feeding is better for their babies health,  they already have all the facts, and are probably sick to death of having the issue rammed down their throats at every opportunity. We women are applauded for making decisions in our own favour, including the right to control other aspects of our bodies, yet when it comes to making a choice about feeding our babies, suddenly everybody else's opinion is more valid than ours. 

I believe that one of the main reasons that women choose not to breastfeed is that we've become the recipients of very mixed messages about our breasts. Western society in particular has so overly sexualised the female breast that we've grown up believing that they are primarily an object of male sexual pleasure, and no longer quite our own property. It's just not possible for many of us to overcome the associations that have been bombarding us since childhood, and maybe a decision not to breastfeed is one woman's way of attempting to take back some control over her body? However, in order to overcome the guilt that many women feel regarding their choice to bottle feed, the decision is justified by the common complaint that 'I wanted to breastfeed but I just didn't produce enough milk.' As successful breastfeeding is highly linked to emotion, then it's not really surprising that feelings of pain, embarrassment, or uncomfortable memories will greatly inhibit the milk let down reflex and the subsequent supply and demand cycle. How can we possibly imagine that a telling off about the content of formula will encourage greater self belief?

I remember a friend and the wonderful mother of two really lovely boys, who despite trying everything, had been unsuccessful at breastfeeding due to very badly cracked nipples. With her third pregnancy and lots of positive encouragement and advice on positioning techniques, she was absolutely determined to breastfeed her new baby daughter. Despite every trick in the book, and with a good milk supply, things did not go well. I'll never forget her phone call  late one evening, two weeks following her daughter's birth, after having made the hard decision not to continue with what for her was becoming excruciating. She broke down sobbing, and said -

     'I don't want people to see me giving her a bottle in case they think I'm not a good mother!' 

I can tell you, I cried with her because of the tragic truth she was expressing regarding the way we judge one another.

If women can't turn to one another for support without fear of attack - then we are going nowhere in making the world a more loving place. Let's encourage one another to do the best we can and accept that this may mean something slightly different for each of us.

Time As Healer.

My beloved and I were talking about our children last night, and realising that the wonderful thing about middle age is that it's a time when all the missing and apparently broken pieces of our parenting experience begin to come together. It's been a remarkable few months where it seems for me that family growth and unity is accelerating at a greatly increased rate, and problems with my children that several years ago seemed insurmountable, are now dissolving like raindrops into the bigger pool of a whole life experience. What I find interesting here is that I wasn't actually able to do very much to solve the issues.

My early experience of mothering was about being the nurturer, the caretaker, the teacher, the one who made it all happen. I believed that I was indispensable and so entirely responsible for my children eventually becoming good people, I lost part of myself in the process. I failed to pay enough attention to my own health and happiness. When a series of life traumas and injustices resulted in a long period of separation from several of my children. I had no choice but to learn to be with me in a way that up until then I'd avoided. The control freak in me was forced to let go control. I became powerless for a while, but only in so far as my physicality was involved. The loving communication continued and with that the knowledge that I would only come through this period by trusting - blindly for the most part, in the unseen presence of what some would call God or a higher power, or what I've come to call the Universal Mother - a kind of personification of the loving perfection of an ordered Universe of which we are all a part.

It takes time - a long time for very difficult situations to work themselves out, but when we let go and allow the things beyond our control to evolve in their own way - we start to see the emerging bigger picture, and it's possible for heartbreak to become peace, troubled adolescents to become wise and compassionate adults, and our own battered mother hearts to take comfort from the knowledge that when we do the best we can - no matter how inadequate that may sometimes appear- the process of life and time will work out the details.

New Baby - Self Nurture (Part 3)

Following on from the last couple of posts about the immediate postnatal period, here are a few very practical suggestions for getting things off to a good start:

1. Rest as much as possible. You are not being lazy, you are allowing your body to heal, adjust and make milk for your baby. Even if you are bottle feeding, there are enormous changes taking place in your body and adequate rest is essential for your physical, mental and emotional well being. Get someone else to take care of other children - even for a couple of hours and try and go back to bed in the afternoon. Have the new baby's cradle right beside your bed so that instead of getting up each time she wakes, you can just lean over the side of the bed and scoop her up.

2. Eat properly: If you are breastfeeding this is not the time to begin a diet.. You will need approximately 400 calories more each day than when you were pregnant. Make sure that you are including plenty of good protein sources too, such as dairy products, eggs, meat, pulses and grains. Keep a plastic container in your fridge filled with healthy and filling snacks, such as chunks of cheese, hard boiled eggs, fruit, rice cakes, nuts, yogurt etc. so that you can always grab something to keep you going if your baby is constantly feeding or needing attention at mealtimes. You will get very hungry and thirsty, and if you don't feed yourself - then your milk supply will suffer.

3. Make good use of your baby's sleep times. This isn't the perfect time to catch up on dishes or laundry, it's a good time for you to either sleep or take a bath. Good things to add to a bath are lavender, geranium or rose essential oils. 5 drops diluted in a little unscented body wash, work well for relaxation, mood balancing and wound healing. If you're alone and it seems impossible to find the time, or you're worried you might not hear your baby wake, then bring him into the bathroom with you. Instead of bright overhead lighting, use couple of safely placed candles to create a relaxing atmosphere, and he's more likely to stay relaxed and asleep.

4. If you have stitches or a a perineal tear, you can greatly reduce pain, discomfort and infection by flushing with warm water several times a day. If you don't have access to a bidet - then perching on the edge of the bath and spraying the area with a shower attachment works just as well. Make sure the water is comfortably warm and rinse the area for about two minutes at a time, especially after you've used the toilet. Pat dry with a soft towel kept only for this purpose and change it everyday. This really does make a difference. 

5. Engorged breasts can be relieved by leaning over a bowl of hot water and applying a hot wet wash cloth to any swollen or hardened area, gentle massage in a stroking motion down towards the nipple will get the milk flowing, but don't be tempted to empty the breast completely, just enough to relieve pressure. Allow your baby to suckle frequently and take paracetamol (acetaminophen). The swelling will settle down after around 48 hours and is a normal reaction to breastfeeding hormones. If you're bottle feeding - your breasts will also swell around the fourth day, but don't try to express any milk as this will make them worse. Wear a good supportive bra and leave them well alone. They will gradually return to normal. Cracked nipples can be prevented by ensuring that your baby is correctly positioned and by using a good salve. I highly recommend Lansinoh cream which is a very greasy ointment made from pure lanolin. It's highly protective and healing.

6. Emotionally overwhelmed? Some women sail through this period with remarkable ease but many of us don't. If you are feeling exhausted, irritable, tearful and an emotional basket case - this doesn't mean that you are inadequate, weak or a useless mother. It means that you are experiencing a normal reaction to massive life changes and need to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to adjust. Every woman is different and you are discovering how to do things your way with your baby. You don't have to try to be like anybody else. Allow yourself to experience  this short time fully with all its ups and downs, and know that you are learning and growing as a woman even if it sometimes feels as though everything is out of control. If things don't resolve in a week or so -  then talk to your midwife or doctor.

I'm also very happy to answer personal questions here if you feel you'd like some extra support.

New Baby - Self Nurture. (Part 2)

The immediate postnatal period is a time of such profound physical, emotional and relationship change it's not surprising that for for some of us, what had been anticipated as a fantasy of joy and celebration turns out to be anything but. Unrealistic expectations are often to blame and it's a really good idea to think ahead about how you might want to handle certain situations before they occur. That's not to say that planning will solve every eventuality - new babies are after all,  people with very distinct personalities.

This short period of time is incredibly precious and will not come again. My own feelings are that the first couple of weeks after birth need to be a kind of protective space where anything non-essential to our own and the baby's well being is secondary. Obviously in a larger family, other children and our partners must be included, but how about keeping some of those well meaning and draining visitors at bay? We often feel pressured to open our homes to every friend and relative who wants to come over and admire our new little one, but do we really want to be learning the intimate art of breastfeeding for example, with a whole host of onlookers? Even those that come over to supposedly 'help' can often end up outstaying their welcome, leaving us tired, frustrated and desperately needing some peace, and for those of us with partners - some quiet and private time in which we learn how to relate to one another as a new family.

Prioritise your needs which are food, sleep and baby feeding and bonding. Whether you are breast or bottle feeding you need adequate food and rest. For breastfeeding this is vital - an afternoon nap is essential both for recovery from the birth and for the production of a good milk supply. If people have a habit of dropping in on you then switch off your phone, lock your front door and hang a sign saying something like 'New Parents Sleeping.' You can be polite - you don't need to write, 'Please Sod Off!' - even if you might feel like it!

Say 'Yes' to genuine offers of help, but 'No' to energy sucking leeches who you are allowing into your space because of a misplaced sense of guilt or obligation. Great people to have around are the ones who offer to take your three year old out to play, bring you over a home cooked meal without expecting to stay for a cup of coffee, or best of all take a big bag of washing  over to their own home to wash without disturbing you. This is not the time for entertaining others - you have the rest of your life to do this.

Anticipate that days 3-4 following delivery are likely to be extra tiring and emotionally fraught due to the enormous hormonal changes brought about by loss of the placenta and breasts going into milk production overdrive. Many of us find ourselves suddenly bursting into tears over apparently insignificant things and feeling as though we're not coping. This is perfectly normal and doesn't mean that we are losing control or developing postnatal depression. Commonly called the 'baby blues' this period is usually short lived and will pass quickly as long as we listen to our needs which are rest, food, baby feeding and more rest. If you have a partner, warn him or her in advance that you're likely to need extra support on those days, and for single mums, enlist the support of a helpful friend and know that the laundry and dishes can wait.

Your body has just been through a massively stressful experience and needs your care and attention to recover. Being kind to yourself will also enable your baby to settle and feel secure in a non- rushed and calm environment. Learning to mother our babies is also about learning to mother ourselves.

New Baby - Self Nurture

Having had my own life altered by a long term illness, I've been forced into a deeper investigation into the process of self nurture. I believe that for many women this is not something that comes naturally, mainly because so many of us have grown up with the idea that in order to be worthy or likeable we must always put others first. The attitudes of generations of self deprecation, self sacrifice and service to others, as accepted by our female ancestors, somehow resides in our bones and many of us mistakenly believe that looking after our own needs smacks of selfishness, and should be secondary to the welfare of our families. Add to this, the prevailing competitiveness of the 'yummy mummy' sector and it's not surprising that new motherhood can be an incredibly stressful time.

There are many factors that bring about postnatal problems including depression, but one factor that might be within our control is the need to do too much to please others, or because we feel we have something to prove. Just because our friend or sister was over-confidently striding round the supermarket the day after giving birth, doesn't mean that we have to try to do the same. It's a really good idea to work out why we feel a need to have a perfectly tidy house, an immaculate baby or an empty laundry basket when our bodies are crying out for sleep, food or a warm bath.

When I was a community midwife I could nearly always spot the woman who was going to be a sobbing wreck by day ten. She'd be shattered from lack of rest, experiencing increased blood loss, and her determination to breastfeed would have gone out of the window as she attempted to do way too much in order to satisfy unrealistic goals. Taking care of our own physical and emotional requirements goes hand in hand with also caring for a new baby. The symbiotic relationship between mother and baby means that a well fed and rested mother is far more likely to lead to a calm baby with reduced feeding problems.

Likewise, as I also need to take care of myself and ensure that I'm properly fed - today is a day when I need to write less and rest more!  In my next post I'll share some ideas about how to reduce stress and expectations during the immediate post natal period.

Holding On and Letting Go.

I don't usually watch the Silent Witness series on BBC TV - it's just not something I've got into and therefore know nothing about the characters etc. However, last night having switched on the box in that interlude between to tired to be up and too early to go to bed, I settled for watching most of an episode.

The subject material was harrowing and probably deeply distressing for any woman who's either been subjected to violent coercion or had a baby taken away for any reason. Whether by legal, state endorsed authority or a violent, criminal power is probably immaterial, because for whatever reason there is something intrinsic to all human understanding that to separate a mother from her child is a terrible thing. Maybe the most   heart rending act of all?

Yet, there was a kind of redemption story in this tale of forced separation and adoption, in the choice made by the birth mother when watching her small daughter for the first time; The decision to let go, to walk away in the knowledge that her child was happy, loved and deserving of an uncomplicated childhood. It's a choice that once made can cost a woman everything - I read so many stories of grief and rage from women who feel as though their mother hearts have been ripped out. I've been there too. 

Redemption comes from understanding that a true mother is not necessarily the woman who gives birth, or the woman who raises a child; She's the one who can open her heart wide enough, in an act of such trust of the Universal Mother that the needs and rights of a child come before anything else in her world. Sometimes this will mean fighting tooth and nail for her relationship with her child and sometimes it will require enough love to let go, and this goes for birth mothers and adoptive mothers alike.

Every situation is unique, everyone of us has a different story. There are no formulas here. But I believe that if we are courageous enough to listen to that Universal Mother heart beating alongside of our own, it's possible to begin the transformation of our grief and pain into love and - yes - even a measure of peace.

Adoption - Choosing to Disclose.

Following on from my first post I want to write a little more about my experience of adoption. What I've observed over the years is that somehow there appears to be a huge taboo around the subject and very few women will openly discuss their experiences. I've noticed that  having chosen to terminate a pregnancy seems to be an easier thing to confess, possibly because abortion is considered by many to be our right. It's a difficult decision that's often supported as being sensible or realistic. I'm not suggesting for one moment that pregnancy termination isn't also potentially traumatic - there will be future posts about this -  but I feel that to be open about having chosen adoption - a rarer decision - can make people, especially other women very uncomfortable.

Many times over the years, I've found that in choosing to share my experience with another, I end up feeling a sense of responsibility for their feelings as the recipients of my disclosure. I notice the surprise and the intake of breath, the slight shock and sometimes eyes welling with tears. I find myself telling people that's it's okay, I've long ago come to terms with the decision I made, and then go on to talk about reconciliation with my son because I know we all have a deep need for stories to have happy endings. We want to know that there is some kind of Universal justice in the world that will always make sense of what hurts or seems nonsensical.

I wasn't a practical, selfless and  saintlike person who made a carefully analysed decision after having weighed up all the pros and cons. I made a choice that was no choice - one born out of desperation and the realization that at the age of twenty I had completely underestimated my abilities and readiness for the task of single motherhood. I had refused to even consider the subject of adoption during my pregnancy because I wrongly believed it to be a heartless option. I believe now, that in most circumstances, carefully planned and prepared for adoption can be a far gentler experience for both birth mother and baby than for both to experience the trauma of being forcibly wrenched apart by impossible life circumstances.

I choose to share my experience openly because now as an older and kinder person, I have ceased to judge myself. I've come to believe that when we are able to embrace even our toughest life challenges with compassion, we invite others to do the same, and perhaps go some way towards lifting the discomfort and prejudice surrounding the discussion of subjects as sensitive as adoption.

If you have been affected by this post and would like to discuss further; please click on the 'Help & Support' link at the top of the page.

New Year - Fresh Hope.

Today is a special day and a really great way to start this new blog at The Mother Mama. My lovely daughter in law, C., has just emailed the photos from her 12 week pregnancy scan and I'm privileged to see the new life that is my very first grandchild to be! Having been a midwife I've seen a great many images from fetal scans, but to witness the beginnings of another generation of my own family is a different kind of wonderful! All new life is miraculous, but this one is particularly meaningful... 

Over thirty years ago, as a scared and depressed young, single mother, I gave my own baby - his father - up for adoption. There weren't any routine scans back then, not necessarily a bad thing, but after a particularly horrific birth I was fully unprepared for the upcoming tug of war between my new mother heart and my own inadequately parented, child-self.

There were years when I genuinely believed that I would never overcome the separation from my baby son and that it wouldn't be possible for me to truly know happiness again. Despite eventually marrying and going on to have a large family, there would always be a chunk of my heart missing. I learned to live with loss.

Years later we found one another again and began the tentative process of reforming a mother/son relationship based on who we are now, and with no history of shared memories upon which to build. This has meant some determination and the making of conscious choices on both our parts. Each year brings us a little closer and now I feel a sense of such awe and gratitude that I am lovingly  included as part of his own new family to be.

 I am reminded that when we are in the midst of various life traumas we can somehow believe that this is IT - the whole story, and that our perceived failures are an end in themselves. This is not so. Our lives have purpose and meaning, and although it may be a long time before we begin to see the outworking of events that occurred many years previously; there in the background of our daily activities, threads are quietly being woven together to form some spectacular tapestries. Our role is to hold on to hope, learn to love, and patiently trust the process.