Teenage Pregnancy - Making Decisions (Part 2)

Following on from my last post I wanted to talk about the emotional side of having a baby when you're very young. Obviously, not all teenage pregnancies are accidental. Many girls are desperate to have a baby at a very young age, and so often I've heard explanations along the lines of, 'I just want somebody to love.' or I want a baby because then I'll have someone who will really love me.' This might sound like a good enough reason to bring a child into the world, but really, the focus is the wrong way round.

As human beings we all have a basic need for love and approval, primarily from our own families. But life is rarely perfect and many of us grow up in homes without the kind of loving and dependable attention that enables us to grow into secure people with a clear sense of self worth. If you know that you don't really love yourself, that you feel insecure, that you go looking for love in the wrong places, then you need to be really careful that you're not thinking about bringing a baby into the world in an attempt to meet your own emotional needs.

Babies need undivided attention, love and security, twenty four hours a day. They eventually grow into demanding toddlers and then children who need completely dependable emotional, physical and educational care. Your ideal, sweet and cherubic baby girl, dressed in the cutest pink outfits, may turn out to be a demanding child with a mind of her own who continually tries your patience. It's important to be realistic. Talk to other young Mums you know, ask them about the difficult times and don't just focus on what you want to hear.

Another very important consideration is that of your own relationship. If you're together with the baby's Dad and things are good between you, then you'll stand a much better chance of successfully raising a baby than if you're in a difficult or upsetting relationship. If you know that your need for love is so great that you'll put a man before your baby - then obviously this is not a good situation in which to raise a child.

Many single girls seem to start out  as good and attentive young mothers until a new boyfriend appears on the scene. Very few young men will be seriously capable of raising another man's child with the kindness and care that a child deserves. The baby may well become something of a nuisance whom he eventually sees as coming between you. In extreme cases this is a big factor in cases of child neglect and abuse. Ask yourself this - are you capable of saying no to a relationship that isn't the best for your baby? Are you strong enough to walk away from a man who makes life difficult for you as a mother?

This might all sound really negative and maybe not what you want to think about, but it's vital to be realistic and ask yourself some hard questions before you make a decision that will affect both you and another human being for the rest of your lives.

On a more positive note - there are some absolutely wonderful young, single Mums out there who should be very proud of themselves for doing such an enormously, difficult job so well. It's tough, but it's possible, with support, to be a great Mum in your teens provided you are realistic about who you know yourself to be.

You're welcome to write in with a personal question here or find further resources here.

Teenage Pregnancy - Making Decisions (Part 1)

This is such an important subject that I'll probably divide this post into 2 parts so as not to make the posts too long. When I'm perusing the Internet and occasionally writing replies to questions on other forums, I notice that advice sites are absolutely overwhelmed with questions from very young women and girls asking about contraception and pregnancy. So many girls appear to be making decisions regarding whether or not to have a baby, with little objective guidance and no real idea about how to ask the right questions of themselves in order to make the best choice in their own particular circumstances.

If you're very young and faced with making what will surely be one of the most important decisions of your life, then how on earth do you decide what  to do? Finding out that you are pregnant can be a huge shock and it might be difficult to think clearly about what to do next.

Here are some important questions you may want to consider:

• Do you have good support? If you're very young and still at school or college, then have you told your parents or another caring relative or guardian? No matter how you think they'll react, the only way to know for sure what kind of support you might have, is to talk to the responsible adults in your life.

• What is your relationship with the potential father of your child? Was this a one night stand or are you in a long term relationship? Is he kind and supportive of you, or is he pressurising you to make a choice you're not comfortable with? Does he want to be involved if you choose to keep your baby?  If the answer is yes, is he mature enough to be able to put his own needs on hold in order to learn how to become a good Dad? If not, do you want to raise a child alone? 

• Where will you live? Are you able to live with a caring and supportive adult not only during your pregnancy but more importantly after the baby is born? For how long? 

• Work & Education: Have you considered the impact of interrupting your education or work?  How and when will you go back to school or work? What financial support is available?

• What about your friends and social life? Are you truly ready to give up your freedom and the life you live now, for weeks, months and years of staying home in order to care for a baby or small child? How will you feel when your friends are getting on with many aspects of their lives without you? Can you genuinely imagine being home with a baby, not just for a few nights but as a long term commitment?

• How will you satisfy your own emotional needs? Being a mother is all about caring for someone else, but what about you? If you have good support from your family or partner, this may not be so much of an issue, but for a young woman facing pregnancy and parenthood alone it might be the most important issue to think about. 

As I feel that the emotional and relationship aspects of teenage or single pregnancy need so much consideration, I'll explore this  in more depth in Part 2...

Mothering Means Mistakes.

As my own children grow up and begin to parent children of their own, I'm aware that as a mother I'm being given opportunities to examine the parenting skills and attitudes of my younger self. Hindsight is a wonderful thing provided we are able to view our younger selves with compassion. Mistakes are all part of the process of learning and growing as a human being, but the trouble is many of us have been conditioned  to believe that we have to be perfect and any kind of failure as a woman or a mother is somehow shameful. 

I know I've always had a tendency to idealism but as a younger woman I think my attitudes towards parenting were frankly arrogant. I tried so hard to get everything right and believed I had succeeded in raising a family of well balanced and happy children. It's not easy to admit but I think I felt superior to other mothers who weren't doing such a good job. I guess I felt that my way 'worked' and other mothers could learn from my example. Then later, unexpected family fall out happened in the form of complicated and acrimonious divorce, and during a long period of terrible emotional trauma, I knew what it was to have the rug well and truly pulled out from under my feet.

Now, many years into the slow rebuilding of myself and relationships, I often reminisce with my children and particularly one of my own daughters who is determined to be the world's best step mum. We've laughed together about my vigilance about my family's healthy diets and policing of sweet eating, we've talked about the way I disciplined them and decided that maybe in the long term, some aspects of my approach weren't always the best. I've had to admit that the woman I am now, at this stage in my life would do some things differently. However, if I look back at myself as a mother at her age, I realise that I was so incredibly young. How could I possibly know and understand the things I know now? I tell her to cut herself some slack as she does an amazing job that comes with an inbuilt mistake generator!

It takes courage, but it really is okay to tell ourselves and our children that we didn't always get everything right, and likewise for our children  to understand that there is no escaping inevitable mistakes which are part of our journey to become better human beings. Letting go of a need for perfection brings enormous emotional freedom as we learn to forgive ourselves and each other.

The Collective Mother - reaching out to Japan

Today, watching and reading the relentless outpouring of news on the Japanese earthquake and tsunami disaster I feel that our collective mother heart must surely look beyond our own immediate sufferings and reach out in compassion to families devastated by a horror of such magnitude.

In considering my personal, historical suffering as a mother and fully acknowledging my very real experiences of separation, estrangement and periods of such darkness I feared for my survival, I can know for sure that by comparison to the mothers of Japan, my suffering is small. My children are all alive, they are well and for the most part, our connection with one another is deep, loving and meaningful.

I am not staggering  through a decimated landscape, searching through piles of rubble for the bloated body parts of my drowned and missing children. I'm sitting here on my comfortable sofa, looking out onto a calm and peaceful garden. By comparison I lack nothing.

Gratitude for my lot seems unspeakable - an insult almost - something to be quietly whispered in awe and reverence for the seemingly chaotic forces that shape our times. Yet, only in expressing that gratitude am I able to see the reality of what I have, rather than what I lack.

You can donate to the Japanese disaster fund here:  The Red Cross
or here:  Save The Children

Long Distance Parenting

As I attempt to work out a schooling issue for my youngest daughter from 3,000 miles away, I'm struck by how much progress we've made over the past few years and how much my tenacity has paid off. At seventeen, she's over the worst of her teenage angst and now shining both academically and socially. I am learning to exhale...

Long distance parenting - no matter how or why it's been forced upon us, has surely got to be one of the toughest challenges known to womankind - or even mankind for that matter. The truth is that at times it's hurt like hell, it's required every bit of my stubborn determination, faith, and a love that's big enough to wrap around the whole situation, including my own rage at historical unfairness and injustice. Being an absent mother has required that I take a firm hold of the part of me that would drown in a sea of guilt and instead walk into that ocean of pain and teach myself and my children to swim.

I believe I have some understanding of why so many non-custodial parents eventually fade out of their children's lives, and that's because staying with a situation in which we may have very limited control, is so incredibly painful. Every time you put down the phone, every time you wave goodbye across an airport barrier, a part of your heart gets ripped to shreds and it must be so tempting to listen to the voice which tells you to give up, that it's not worth the hurt you all experience. Yet, somehow I've hung on. I've chosen to stay with a process that's got an unknown outcome and I am so very, very glad that I did.

I think one of the things that's made the most difference is that I've been truthful with my children all the way along. Kids can smell bullshit a mile off, and I've tried very hard to give them the respect they deserve by owning my own failures, steering as clear as possible from blaming others - not easy, but most of all by being a safe and consistent source of non-judgemental, emotional support; much of it through telephone and email conversations. I love you Facebook!

Time spent together physically is unbelievably precious and often a time for allowing a little more more of our mutual pain to surface for healing. It's necessary hard work, it's not for the fainthearted or inconsistent, but it's paid off in reciprocal deep love and appreciation for one another, a shared sense of rather ridiculous humour, an ability to discuss and solve practically anything of an embarrassing or personal nature, and most of all the understanding that we are all part of a bigger story that's still unfolding.

My children are some of the most courageous people I know and I'm so very proud and honoured that they call me Mother.