Mothering Means Mistakes.

As my own children grow up and begin to parent children of their own, I'm aware that as a mother I'm being given opportunities to examine the parenting skills and attitudes of my younger self. Hindsight is a wonderful thing provided we are able to view our younger selves with compassion. Mistakes are all part of the process of learning and growing as a human being, but the trouble is many of us have been conditioned  to believe that we have to be perfect and any kind of failure as a woman or a mother is somehow shameful. 

I know I've always had a tendency to idealism but as a younger woman I think my attitudes towards parenting were frankly arrogant. I tried so hard to get everything right and believed I had succeeded in raising a family of well balanced and happy children. It's not easy to admit but I think I felt superior to other mothers who weren't doing such a good job. I guess I felt that my way 'worked' and other mothers could learn from my example. Then later, unexpected family fall out happened in the form of complicated and acrimonious divorce, and during a long period of terrible emotional trauma, I knew what it was to have the rug well and truly pulled out from under my feet.

Now, many years into the slow rebuilding of myself and relationships, I often reminisce with my children and particularly one of my own daughters who is determined to be the world's best step mum. We've laughed together about my vigilance about my family's healthy diets and policing of sweet eating, we've talked about the way I disciplined them and decided that maybe in the long term, some aspects of my approach weren't always the best. I've had to admit that the woman I am now, at this stage in my life would do some things differently. However, if I look back at myself as a mother at her age, I realise that I was so incredibly young. How could I possibly know and understand the things I know now? I tell her to cut herself some slack as she does an amazing job that comes with an inbuilt mistake generator!

It takes courage, but it really is okay to tell ourselves and our children that we didn't always get everything right, and likewise for our children  to understand that there is no escaping inevitable mistakes which are part of our journey to become better human beings. Letting go of a need for perfection brings enormous emotional freedom as we learn to forgive ourselves and each other.