I'm having a very frustrating day today, dealing with my pet budgie's recently developed behavioural problems. Historically a good natured, highly talkative and much loved little friend, I'm sorry to say that over the past few days he's become a cheeky, aggressive little pest. Basically, he's just trying it on, or pushing boundaries in an attempt to check who's really the boss around here. My job is to offer consistent reactions and consequences for his bad behaviour, even though it appears that my efforts are meeting with stubborn resistance.
His frustrating defiance reminds me of the extremely difficult time that a woman I know is having with one of her children. My level of annoyance with continued bird biting is escalating - how incomparably more difficult for her, when she is dealing with no small blue bird who can be put back in his cage, but a very angry and defiant ten year old who is capable of making school and family life an exhausting challenge for everyone who crosses his path. This is a child with a difficult background and a history of psychological difficulties. This is not a question of ineffective and lazy parenting. My friend and her husband couldn't be doing a better job of parenting their family and this is reflected in the very positive results with their other children.
Producing positive change doesn't occur magically or overnight, it comes as a result of patient and consistent reinforcement of rules and boundaries, with known consequences for undesirable behaviour and heaps of praise and rewards for positive behaviour. It's hard work and there are times when any parent can reach breaking point in the belief that nothing will ever change. But it's our job as parents to provide our children with the security of knowing that we are utterly dependable - both to love and nurture, yet also to provide the clear dividing line which says ' I will not allow you to destroy yourself or us.'
When you've reached that point where you know you've had enough, it's time to call in reinforcements in terms of other family members, friends or professionals, who can provide enough respite for you to sufficiently recover your energy and carry on with the amazing job you are doing. There is never any shame in admitting that you're burning out, and nobody will label you a bad parent for requesting some time off and support. As a society we have to quit judging one another and offer far more in the way of kindness and understanding of one another's efforts to parent our children in the best way we know how.
Meanwhile, I'm offering Otis another chance to come out of 'time out' and be nice!
If you need somewhere to turn in a crisis then here's a good place to start: /http://familylives.org.uk/
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