Yesterday, I was saddened to read about the hostility and insensitivity experienced by a young mother who'd visited a well known mothering forum. Her complaints about the rudeness she'd encountered were endorsed by other mothers who had also felt ostracised by their peers, mainly around the subject of bottle feeding. It seems that there is a particularly militant and vociferous wave of new mothers, who while intent on loudly proclaiming the perfect way to raise - and in particular - feed babies, have lost sight of the fact that a woman can only make choices based on her own life experience. As every one of us have come to motherhood from a host of different backgrounds and experiences, why should we assume that what's right for us is right for all?
Let me explain my own stance here. Yes, as a midwife and mother of six children I am passionate about the undoubted benefits of breastfeeding. I have positively encouraged breastfeeding for well over thirty years and looking back I can admit to seeing myself also standing on a soapbox of idealism. However, as I've grown older and worked with women from a variety of different backgrounds I've come to the conclusion that idealism isn't very helpful and that perhaps compassion and less judgement of others is the way to gently bring about positive change.
There are few mothers who genuinely believe that bottle feeding is better for their babies health, they already have all the facts, and are probably sick to death of having the issue rammed down their throats at every opportunity. We women are applauded for making decisions in our own favour, including the right to control other aspects of our bodies, yet when it comes to making a choice about feeding our babies, suddenly everybody else's opinion is more valid than ours.
I believe that one of the main reasons that women choose not to breastfeed is that we've become the recipients of very mixed messages about our breasts. Western society in particular has so overly sexualised the female breast that we've grown up believing that they are primarily an object of male sexual pleasure, and no longer quite our own property. It's just not possible for many of us to overcome the associations that have been bombarding us since childhood, and maybe a decision not to breastfeed is one woman's way of attempting to take back some control over her body? However, in order to overcome the guilt that many women feel regarding their choice to bottle feed, the decision is justified by the common complaint that 'I wanted to breastfeed but I just didn't produce enough milk.' As successful breastfeeding is highly linked to emotion, then it's not really surprising that feelings of pain, embarrassment, or uncomfortable memories will greatly inhibit the milk let down reflex and the subsequent supply and demand cycle. How can we possibly imagine that a telling off about the content of formula will encourage greater self belief?
I remember a friend and the wonderful mother of two really lovely boys, who despite trying everything, had been unsuccessful at breastfeeding due to very badly cracked nipples. With her third pregnancy and lots of positive encouragement and advice on positioning techniques, she was absolutely determined to breastfeed her new baby daughter. Despite every trick in the book, and with a good milk supply, things did not go well. I'll never forget her phone call late one evening, two weeks following her daughter's birth, after having made the hard decision not to continue with what for her was becoming excruciating. She broke down sobbing, and said -
'I don't want people to see me giving her a bottle in case they think I'm not a good mother!'
I can tell you, I cried with her because of the tragic truth she was expressing regarding the way we judge one another.
If women can't turn to one another for support without fear of attack - then we are going nowhere in making the world a more loving place. Let's encourage one another to do the best we can and accept that this may mean something slightly different for each of us.
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