It's been a sad week for Devon domestic violence services, as the government funding cuts will mean a greatly reduced service and expose current and future service users to increased risk. This news is devastating at a time when many families are already struggling to cope with increased stress from unemployment, debt and benefit cuts. In the end it's vulnerable women and children who will suffer and therefore put an increased burden on social services and the NHS.
In light of this situation I just want to write a little here about domestic violence, which is of course a rather mundane term for the reality of being hit, kicked, raped, controlled and emotionally or financially abused by a partner or other close relative. It's sadly the experience of one in four women at some point in their lives. Men can also be victims, though I'm primarily writing here for women.
I think one of the hardest things for people who have never been abused, is to understand why a woman would choose to remain in a situation where she is continually hurt? The answers are complex and can't be adequately covered in a short blog post, but to simplify the issue - it's mainly due to fear. Sometimes it's fear of retribution by a violent partner if she attempts to leave, but more often it's because the alternatives seem more frightening. Who wouldn't be terrified of homelessness and financial lack - especially when there are children involved?
The loss of self esteem suffered by an abused woman deceives her into believing that love that hurts her is better than no love, and a few bruises are worth the price of not being left alone or without a partner. It's this lack of self belief that attracts an abuser in the first place, and so the literal vicious cycle continues.
The first step to the way out of a violent situation is often the hardest one to take and that's disclosure. Many women suffer in silence, hiding the fact that they are being abused even from close friends or other family members because they fear judgement. They feel deeply ashamed of what is happening to them but also terrified that if they tell somebody, they'll be forced to take action - sometimes long before they're ready.
If you are being abused, it's important to tell somebody what's going on as this breaks the highly dis-empowering secrecy surrounding your situation. Find somebody - friend or professional who you know you can trust to listen supportively without trying pressure you into taking action you're not comfortable with. Bear in mind that if you have children your priority needs to be their protection. Sometimes it can be easier to talk to an anonymous stranger on the end of a telephone, than to trust a friend who may appear judgemental. It's often in talking to others that we're able to hear ourselves and what we really need as our truth is reflected back to us.
Likewise, if someone you know has chosen to tell you about their abusive relationship, then be very careful how you respond. Acting shocked or becoming visibly angry isn't helpful, neither is insisting that she must immediately leave her partner. What's helpful is quietly listening, offering non-judgemental support, perhaps offering practical help with children or somewhere safe to come to in a crisis. Sometimes listening without pressurising another can feel very difficult, but bear in mind that in choosing to tell you she has already taken an enormous step of trust. This might be all she is ready to do at present.
You can find further help including telephone numbers and a safety plan by following this link to The Mother Mama resources page. and scrolling down to the Domestic Violence heading. You can also write in to the Help and Support page on this site here.
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