Stepmothers Are Mothers Too.

I find myself in the interesting position of being a woman who has had the experience of being an adoptive birth mother, yet writing in defence of the adoptive or step mother. After having a long chat with my daughter J, during which she expressed sadness and frustration with how she feels she is perceived as a step mother, I felt I'd like to share some thoughts on the subject.

J. is a fully qualified nursery nurse and children's nanny with many years of experience. She is also married to a man who has full custody of his three sons. She works with 2 toddlers during the day and spends her 'non work' hours mothering her stepsons. This is a full time job in itself, which due to special needs and behavioural problems requires every bit of patience, skill and expertise she possesses.

She has a group of close friends all with babies and toddlers of their own but recently this has become a source of frustration, as she is beginning to feel that she is treated differently and not really a part of 'the mummy club.' Apparently her wealth of experience counts for little because she hasn't actually given birth. I have to feel a little defensive on her behalf as I know that her daily step-mothering experiences with 3 boys now aged 9-14 have demanded far more of her than life with one delightful home grown baby ever could.

Because families are becoming less traditional and frequently involve second marriages - step-parenting has become normality for many women. It's a tough and demanding job leaving many women feeling exhausted and unappreciated. It's vital therefore to feel included and respected by your peers.

Some common sense suggestions for mama gatherings:

• Include step-mums in discussions and value their input. Ask for their advice and opinions in the same way you would any other mother.

• Never assume that the children's father does all the parenting while they take a back seat.

• Ask about their day to day lives and offer help such as babysitting and swapping childcare. Everybody needs a break - stepmothers especially.

• Remember stepchildren's names and birthdays even if they're not always present or at school. Send cards and include stepchildren at parties and outings - even if they're older. It's nice to be asked.

• Don't spend all your time talking about pregnancy, breastfeeding and baby sleep problems, this can create feelings of exclusion and also get pretty boring for women who aren't caught up in the intensity of  life with a new baby.

• Remember that we are women first, and mothers second. Mothering children is but a season of our lives, but the richness of relationships founded on our womanhood can last a lifetime.